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The Museum of Menstruation and Women's Health
Former museum–Future–Comic strip about a visit to the museum
People have probably made jokes about menstruation since
woman/mankind had a sense of humor. Send in your jokes, cartoons,
etc.
I am sorry to have to warn
you, but YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED BY SOME OF THE HUMOR BELOW!
Please read the reason
for this humor section before you proceed!
See also Dr. Michael Abramson's poems
and his Web sites
On this site, see Humor in Advertising.
Read over 1000 replies to Would you stop menstruating if you could?
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From an e-mailer:
Hi! I've been laughing so much after I visited your
site museum of
menstrual humour. I thought I would share some jokes of
mine too. Hope
you like them.
These are true life incidents.
My four-year-old cousin was made to believe that
sanitary pads are diapers. So one day he went to the
pharmacy along with his mom to buy some medicine. There
were many other people too. Suddenly he screamed out
"Mom! Look! Your big diapers are here too! Don't you
want to buy them?" She turned bright red. And took him
away.
Now, another one. This guy was sent to store for buying
pads for his
sister. When he asked for them, the store keeper asked
back, "The ones
with the wings?" And the confused guy replied, "Just the
ones for
ordinary girls...." My friend's mom is a very
conservative lady. Even
though my friend had many doubts about periods, she had
never asked
her about them.
One time my friend ran down the stairs to her mom,
showing a big
red stain on her clothes back side. "Ah! So you got it!"
Her mom pulled
her to the sofa with her, hugged her and said, "It's OK
dear! We women
go through it, you just started your first period." And
she explained
everything about periods and period health and hygiene.
Finally, when she finished, my friend spoke. "Mom, I
accidentally spilled some water
colour on the bed and sat on it. I came down to know
that is there
a way to remove this stain coz I want to wear it today
for my friend's
birthday party. Both of them shared a silent moment and
she spoke,
"Thanks, Mom, for letting me know!"
..............................................................
From an e-mailer:
This is an "actual letter" from an Austin, Texas woman
sent to Proctor and
Gamble regarding one of their
feminine products. She really gets rolling after
the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009
Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent
via e-mail.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for
over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in
tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual
period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my
time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand
Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt
Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for
most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just
crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
an
Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these
words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are
you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny
middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI,
Unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God,
pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put
down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is
Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department
that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop
in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute
miss your brand of condescending
bullsh!t. And
that's a promise I will keep.
Always,
**** **** Austin, TX
Read responses to Would you
stop menstruating if you could?
And in 1927 famous efficiency expert and subject of
the book and movie Cheaper by
the Dozen Lillian Gilbreth recommended
to Johnson & Johnson that it add a woman to its
menstrual products staff.
Read a Norwegian
joke about wings.
.........................................................................
From a different e-mailer:
When I was young, about 13, we were not allowed to use
tampons as my parents felt we were too young to use them
when we first got our periods. My first experience came
when we were on a camping holiday and I wanted to spend
the day at the beach without worrying that I would leak
and could not wear a pad with my bathing suit, so I was
given permission to use one.
After buying the box, I had to insert the tampon while
in the outhouse, as there were no washrooms in this very
rustic campground. It was so dark that I had difficulty
reading the instructions and performing the procedure
with which I was unfamiliar. [I'm glad she didn't try to
use this tampon.]
I first opened one and took it apart to figure it out. I
remember thinking I would never get it to work.
Finally, the third attempt was successful. This meant it
took me a while longer than I or anyone else expected.
I finally emerged to find a line up at the door to the
outhouse. I had been so occupied that I heard nothing of
the people waiting for their turn to use the
facilities. Before I could get away one of the men said,
"You took so long that we thought you'd died in there.
We were just about to break the door down." Needless to
say, I was very embarrassed and kept my head down as I
rushed away without comment. Desperately hoping that
none of them would recognize me on the beach and realize
what my predicament had been.
When I was teen girl I
had a male friend who came to me and my g/f one day with a fake cigarette,
perched in his fingers and twiddling it like Charlie Chaplin might do with a
cigar. after
closer inspection if it i found that he was actually
holding the
applicator of a tampon!
I asked him where he
found that!? he said, on the back of the toilet. Oh my goodness.
That should have been his
first clue to question its existence and
placement.
"Here's a few gems on heavy flow days, all
original," writes the contributor:
Today my vagina has transformed herself to an
inverted Vesuvius. Tourists beware.
The space between my thighs is a theater. Someone
is staging Sweeny Todd there right now.
To an intimate partner: I'd love to, baby, but the
field's been shut down due to inclimate weather.
If I have to clean up this much blood again,
somebody better be decapitated.
All things considered
When I was in 5th grade and my sister in fourth, my
Mother thought it would be a good idea to kill two
birds with one stone and speak to both of us about the
the curse that we should come to expect.
She didn't want to scare us as her mother did her and
her sisters, so, she tried to spin it by adding that
our breasts would blossom at the same time. My little
sister was silent and listened while I asked all the
questions I could think of.
After my Mother answered every question I had, my
sister examined my mother and me for a moment and
said... "I'd rather have a penis."
That's the Gods Honest Truth.
Burglar-proof:
When I was a kid, in the 1950's, I liked to look at
my mother's magazines, like Good Housekeeping. One day
I saw a Kotex ad showing a well-dressed, elegant woman
in a hat and gloves, with the words, "Proportioned?
But why?"
I had no idea what the ad was about. The text under
the photo said something about "napkins" being "for
your protection."
"How can dinner napkins protect you?" I wondered. "Do
you put them on the dining room table at night and
they scare away burglars?"
She writes, "I wanted to pass along this geeky period comic, which I
didn't see on your humor page: http://xkcd.com/594/ "
I got a story here for your humor section!
Back when it happened, I was humiliated and wouldn't
have even thought about sharing it with even my best
friend. But now, two years later it cracks me up when
I think back at it.
Anyway, I was 13 and in 8th grade. I felt exhausted
that friday night after the long week at school, and
back then I only used pads. So I was just laying
around, being lazy, when I decided to get up and get
ice cream (chocolate, of course, hehe) and I just went
to get it in the kitchen and came back, when I got a
glimpse of my butt in the mirror, and *******!!! I
leaked all over the back of my silk pj pants, and I'd
just walked out into the kitchen and broadcasted it
without knowing! I felt so awkward, that even after I
changed my pants and my pad, I didn't want to go back
out there! Of course, it didn't just stop there.
I fell asleep around midnight, pretty early for
myself. I was in the greatest sleep of my life, when I
woke up around 4 AM, just randomly, and my butt felt
soaked...oh crap. I already knew what had happened,
but I got up and saw the evidence on my sweatpants
anyway. Of course it wasn't just the sweats...it
looked like somebody committed a murder on my bed and
just left the remains (Godfather bed scene, anyone?
Only this wasn't with a horse head!). I knew I
couldn't just leave it. I felt gross sleeping in my
own blood, so I decided to attempt to get the stain
out, since I was not about to wake up my parents at
that hour. At first, I just tried cold water with no
success, then I tried adding hand soap. Stupid
idea...it did very little to help with my bloody
explosion. The only change was that now, my room
smelled like vanilla and shea butter. Me with my
stupid thirteen year old logic tried using dish
soap...and I must say, that helped the most, but soon
I moved on to laundry soaps, and by about 5:30 AM, the
stain was mostly out. Only one error: I lay down,
right on the wet spot, totally forgetting it's wet, so
I roll over and sleep on the other side on the bed,
which felt weird considering I'd never slept on that
side before. The sweats? Forget them. I was exhausted,
mentally and physically, after trying to fix my murder
scene for an hour and a half. So yup, you guessed
it....I slept in my underwear. Luckily, when I woke up
later at a decent hour, I hadn't leaked again....I
hate my period lol!
Stories serious and funny:
I don't know what made me go looking for Majorie May's 12th Birthday.
I guess the older I get the more I want to remember
from my youth. I was born in 1954 but this book was
the one my mother gave me when I turned 12. Even then
I knew it had to be fairly out of date. No one had
taught her anything so she was afraid to try and
explain things to us. Didn't help that as the youngest
of three girls I started my periods 3 years younger
than my sisters.
The story about the girl thinking the pad was a
bandaid reminded my why I still have some kicking
around the house. I have had a number of surgeries in
recent years and the last one left me with repeated
infections in the incisions. The thick, super plus
pads made great covers for the drainiage. I could
never get enough gauze on to absorb the drainiage so I
decided to try pads. I told the doctor during one of
my visits and he thought it was a great idea.
As to humour.
We had a stray cat as a pet a number of years ago. We
were living in a small town house at the time. I heard
the cupboard door, in the bathroom, open and close but
I didn't think much about it. I heard her playing
around in the upstairs hall. It was about 5 minutes
later she came down the stairs chasings a tampon. I
took it away from her but it did make for a funny
story at work.
The contributor of the below story writes, "My
own father, if I dare even mention my period (even
saying 'that time of the month') assures me that he
doesn't want to know and all but
sticks his fingers in his ears. . . . Since
these sort of details seem of interest to your site, my
mum is actually English-born herself, and grew up right
after the war as the youngest of four (three of them
girls). Being poor, she had told me that they often
couldn't afford sanitary napkins, and her mother would rip up sheets for
them to use when they were on their periods. The
sheets didn't absorb well, and had to be changed often,
but then, it seems they didn't have much choice."
I normally don't email websites, but I thought this
story needed to be shared. Like many of these, the
humor here stems from men's willful ignorance of all
things menstrual.
My mum told me this story while talking about her
pre-marriage career, working in a branch office of a
gas/oil company [in Houston, Texas]. On this occasion
an anonymous person called in a bomb threat to the
office, and all employees were sent home for the day
while the bomb squad searched the premises for the
device. Later it was related to the employees that the
(all-male) officers thought they had it when they
found a 'suspicious' metal box
in a female lavatory. One can imagine their
excitement and adrenaline as they moved the box to a
safe area, sent in a man to carefully open the lid,
and ... yeah, I'm sure you can imagine what they
found.
At least it wasn't a bomb.
Contributor: "The funniest commercial I ever saw was a
few years ago and on American TV.
It portrayed a mother folding laundry and taking it
up stairs to put away.
Meanwhile her little boy and his fried are in the
little boy's room getting money out of his piggy bank.
Mom passes the door on her way to deposit clothes or
towels and she over hears the boys talking and stops
to listen:
*Little Friend: So whacha gonna by with all your
money?*
*Little Boy: Some OB Tampons!*
*Little Friend: Why do you want OB tampons?*
*Little Boy: 'Cause if you have OB Tampons you can
go swimming and ride horses and play tennis and go to
the beach!*
*Mom gasps laughing and drops her load of towels on
the floor*
"I swear I saw this ad on *TV* and I have never been
able to find it in any search of the internet. Have you seen this ad? [No - has anyone?]
"Do you think you could ask your contributors if they
have ever seen it? *I think it is
just the thing that would make advertising these
products tolerable for everyone* but I guess
some are too sensitive."
*[The writer knows that this is an old joke, variants
of which you can read further down.]*
Yours,
****
The conclusion of "Issues of
Blood" (the last of three parts) by Mr. Bloom
(letter right below).
Mr. Finley,
After reading the many delightful anecdotes and
informative articles in the MUM, I got inspired to
contribute a bit of humor of my
own.
Hope you enjoy.
Mr. P. Farthingale Bloom
Tampons in Saudi Arabia
When I lived in Saudi Arabia, one of the American
wives on our compound had a pretty funny story about
the menstrual taboos. Tampons were not sold in Saudi
Arabia, I guess because they require Touching Down
There, and we all know where THAT can lead.
So when American women went to the U.S. or Europe,
they stocked up on tampons and brought them back in
their luggage. To save space, they would unpack the
tampons from their boxes and scatter them throughout
the suitcases along with their clothes.
Now coming into Saudi Arabia, customs searches
EVERYTHING. Huge PITA. A 747 with 400 passengers lands
at 3 A.M., and everybody waits in a long line while
the customs officers root through everybody's
underwear and toiletries, looking for pork,
pornography, etc.
When this woman got her turn, the customs officer
pulled out a Tampax, looked at it quizzically, held it
up and asked: "What is this?"
She spent a few agonizing moments trying to think of
a tactful way to tell him what it was.
Meanwhile, Customs Guy is still inspecting the
Tampax, probably thinking: "It looks like a fuse for a
Molotov cocktail or some other infernal device.
Perhaps I have captured a terrorist! Allah will be
pleased ...."
The American wife finally said: "It's only for
woman."
With that, the light finally dawned for Customs Guy.
He turned bright red, threw the tampon back in her
suitcase, slammed it shut, and said: "Go. Just GO!"
[While it might be politically insensitive to show
you this right here, see a strange
tampon from, um, Israel.
Mr. Finley,
I have been a fan of your site for several years now
and find research on the topic of menstruation and
social images absolutely fascinating. I would like to
contribute a joke that was sent to me, and with the
current economic times I find this hilarious and yet,
perhaps, useful.
A devoted fan and researcher,
****
*My dear * *family and * *friends, **
Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this
year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as
gifts. Please let** **me know your sizes. You'll most
likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you
wish to do the same, I've included the instructions
below. **
*How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom
of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk
flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.
These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and
(3.) Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that
you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....
Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the
right size for each one of you.
*Don't worry guys I make Mens too*
Harry Finley,
The funniest commercial I ever saw was a few years ago
and on American TV. It portrayed a mother folding
laundry and taking it up stairs to put away. Meanwhile
her little boy and his fried are in the little boy's
room getting money out of his piggy bank. Mom passes the
door on her way to deposit clothes or towels and she
over hears the boys talking and stops to listen:
Little Friend: So whacha gonna by with all your
money?
Little Boy: Some OB Tampons!
Little Friend: Why do you want OB tampons?
Little Boy: 'Cause if you have OB Tampons you can
go swimming and ride horses and play tennis and go
to the beach!
Mom gasps laughing and drops her load of towels on
the floor
I swear I saw this ad on TV and I have never
been able to find it in any search of the internet. Have
you seen this ad? [No - has anyone?] Do you
think you could ask your contributors if they have ever
seen it? I think it is just the thing that would
make advertising these products tolerable for everyone
but I guess some are too sensitive.
[The writer knows that this is an old joke,
variants of which you can read further down.]
A great thanks for your website - I've been reading
it all day and I love it! I thought I'd contribute a
few stories of my own.
When I was a little girl, we had some family
visiting and I was out playing with my cousins. I fell
and scraped my knee, and so I came inside the kitchen
where my mother was entertaining company to ask where
the Band-Aids were. She replied that they were under
her sink, and I went off to find one. I found a nice
large one, but I couldn't figure out why the sticky
side and the bandage were on opposite sides. How was I
supposed to make it stay? I went into the living room
to ask Mom, struggling as I walked to make the bandage
stay (which was obviously a pad, although I was
blissfully unaware). My mother turned a bright red and
rushed me out of the room to help me find a REAL
Band-Aid while everyone else in the room laughed
hysterically.
But the second is the best, albeit the strangest. My
mother and I were in her bedroom watching TV together
when we realized we were hearing odd noises coming
from my little brother's room (he was about 4 or 5 at
the time, I believe), which was just next door, and is
connected to their bathroom. We both went into his
bedroom to make sure all was well, and when we got
there, we saw him hiding under the covers, only his
wide panicked eyes visible. Mom tugged the edge of the
covers off and there, between his sheets, were
handfuls of tampons, probably a couple of boxes worth.
We never figured out just what it was he was planning
to do with them - it looked like he was hoarding them!
Thanks and keep up the good work!
"Saying yes to life even in its strangest and hardest
problems; the
will to life rejoicing over its own inexhaustibility
even in the very
sacrifice of its highest types-this is what I call
Dionysian." - Nietzsche
The Onion wanes sentimental - not: Read "Area
Seventh-Grader Now A Woman."
A Brazilian writes,
Last Tuesday [August 2008], the national
humouristic TV show "Casseta e Planeta Urgente,"
from Globo network, showed a fake newspaper
headline:
"Trãnsito do Rio naqueles dias -
Detran instala absorventes para conter o fluxo na
Linha Vermelha"
(Translation: Rio (de
Janeiro city)'s traffic on those days - Detran
installs pads to contain flow on Red Line)
Detran - Traffic Department, state authority
Linha Vermelha - an expressway which serves this
city
A screenshot of this moment is attached with this
mail.
See the program here: Rede Globo's official video
site:
http://video.globo.com/
Videos/Player/Entretenimento/0,,GIM865600-7822-PIADA+DE+ULTIMA+HORA,00.html
Is TAMPAX sponsoring a car
at NASCAR races??
See the END of this video
news
broadcast.
A twin spin:
I gotta funny story. I was at summer camp the year
before 4th grade, and I'd never heard of a period.
Some of the fifth grade girls were talking, and one
said that a boy named Jimmy had maxi-pads in his
closet. Another said that was because if one of his
girlfriends came, he could offer one to her. I had no
clue what they were talking about, but somehow I knew
it had something to do with blood coming out of the
private. Disgusted and scared, I immediately dismissed
the idea that blood would come out of a girls private.
Two years later, the exact thing that I denied
happened to me.
This is one of my friends: Ok ,so this girl had her
purse next her, and she was hanging out with my friend
and another guy. Ok, so the guy happens to see a
package in her purse and pulls it out, asking: "What's
this?" Then she told him it was a pad. He dropped it
immediately on the ground, disgusted. This was
apparently not the first time he'd done this. When my
friend told me this, I said, "He should stop pulling
Easter-colored packages from girls' purses."
This just in:
At a previous employer, there was a moody guy who
would go over to the general manager's secretary's
office. He would wait for her to be called into her
boss's office and then snoop into her desk. One day,
the secretary took an envelope, put a tampon in it and
wrote his name on it. When Cranky Carl arrived, she
handed him the sealed envelope and said, "Carl, you
need this more today than I do." He opened it and saw
what was inside, he stormed out in a foul mood.
A variation on an old theme:
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out
a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how
old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used
for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me.
They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on
TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and
ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
From the United Kingdom:
Tampax have announced they are swapping the string on
all Tampax for tinsel, but just for the Christmas
period!
I am happy to find your web museum tonite.
So many years ago when I lived in D.C. in the late 80's
I heard of the museum. I cannot remember if the
Citypaper or New York magazine but I wrote the author
some jokes back then and since I never became a stand up
comedienne I don't get to use them.
So what if female hygiene was not the responsibility of
the textile or paper industry but rather the baking
industry.....????
Then once a months gals would be "on a roll" instead of
the rag ... and how smart would lady fingers be.
I sure it could go on with pastries and jelly rolls,
etc. .. but it is interesting how sometime based on what
is a cheaper commodity things progress.
Who would have thought there would be bamboo sheets and
things.
Thanks again for your great social experiment and may
you be as famous as Mr. Titslinger, etc.
An e-mailer writes, "I recently read (in The Big Book
of the 1970's, a comic book of factoids) that John
Lennon (of Beatles fame), in a drunken nightclub
rampage during the early 1970's, wore a tampon on his
head."
Two e-mailers' comments about the Always [menstrual pads] Happy
Period campaign:
[1.] Then there's
the "have a happy period" campaign, which to my mind
belongs on the list of plausible defenses for homicide.
(http://www.always.com/mom/boostmood.jsp)
When Always products came on the market, my first
reaction was--who in the world wants to associate any of
this stuff with Always? How about
Never? That makes
as much sense as naming luggage after Amelia Earhart,
who never came back.
Once I made my husband look [at her used menstrual
pad]. He has never quite got over it. I just told him I
thought he ought to, once. At the time we'd been married
about 15 years, and I'd had two kids and a miscarriage.
Well, I won't bug you any more, Harry. You are a
brave man and some kind of hero. I hope you get a well-deserved
statue, molded of firm and absorbent cotton,
or at least a page of immortality in Guinness.
[Read her comments about stopping her period.]
[2.] The female veterinarian who treats my cats gave
me this e-mail. Yeah, of course she knows about this
museum. I eliminated the names to protect the innocent
and guilty.
This is an actual letter sent to Procter &
Gamble from **** ****, Austin, Texas, regarding
their feminine products. . . .
Dear Mr. ****,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm)
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. ****? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my
"time of the month" is starting right now. As I type,
I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must also know about
the the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for
my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful wanted to reach inside my body and and yank
out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable? Well, did it, ****? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local KMart armed with a hunting rifle and
a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like "Put
Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong," or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise
I will keep.
Always.
Best,
**** ****
Austin, Texas
Hello!
I thought of the MUM's humor section when I saw this
clip from the cult British TV comedy The Young Ones. In
this clip, the clueless Rick was playing with a tampon
that he found in a partygoer's purse, not knowing what
it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk4a9o6-2zw
I do not know whether you have seen that clip, but hope
you get a kick out of it.
Sincerely,
Headlines from The Onion:
"Local
Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation
Non-Disclosure Agreement"
"Eight-Pound
Man Removed From Woman's Vagina"
When I got my period for the first time, my mom gave me
a pad to go put on. I went into the bathroom, and came
out complaining to my mom about how bloody uncomfortable
it was. She didn't see why I'd find it so uncomfortable,
so I showed her.
Needless to say, she was pretty surprised when she saw
the pad with the adhesive side stuck directly on me, and
not my panties.
I was in grade school, probably grade one or two, and
three of us were playing in a corner of the school yard.
Joyce whispered something to us, completely unbelievable
- she said her sister had fallen down and cut herself
"down there" - 'cause she was bleeding. We tried to
picture this, imagining falling on a piece of glass or
something sharp. We could not picture how you would put
a band-aid there. We really had no idea what this meant,
or that it was her older sister getting her period.
It took me until age 15 to start my period, and by then
all my friends had had it. We used to quiz each other
about the precursor symptoms. Someone said once you
started having the white discharge, your period was
coming soon. Because it took so long to get started, I
was very very eager to have a period. Many embarrassing
moments were to come with it, however, as I was always
caught unaware, unprepared and often with no supplies on
hand. Like the time I went skiing with my new boyfriend.
We left on a bus from his high school and were gone the
whole day. I came in at one point to use the bathroom
and noticed I had started bleeding. Believe it or not,
there were no Kotex machines, the lady at the lodge
couldn't help me. There was nothing I could do but use
paper towels bunched up and sit in the lodge till the
end of the day. By the time we got back to the high
school, and I was able to get to the washroom, I had to
throw my panties out, too much mess. Of course, I
couldn't tell my boyfriend about any of this, or explain
why I was sitting inside instead of skiing. The taboo
was so strong, even in 1970-something, that I felt too
shy to tell him.
Only one of many anecdotes of overflowing, stains and
ruined clothing.
I just discovered this corner of your web site - it's
very funny.
You'd think 30 years and lots of feminism later, we'd
have changed, but my daughter is still very shy to talk
about her period. At least she tells me when she has it.
I don't think she wants to mention it to her brother
though.
I'm still trying to figure out how to reach girls her
age with that topic.
Younger visitors often see what a menstrual
belt looks like for the first time; often, they
have just vaguely heard of them.
I had to laugh at this - when I was about thirteen
(summer of '84) my aunt was going through a bunch of
things to put in her yard sale and held up what looked
like a garter belt with only two garters. "Do you want
this?" she asked, and when I asked what it was, she
whispered, "It's a sanitary belt!" Whispered, even
though she and I were the only two people there. I,
having begun menstruating well after the advent of adhesive pads - and in fact,
not long after the market debut of Maxithins - had never
seen a sanitary belt before. I'd seen the pads, however
- in our middle school, the nurse had apparently gotten
a good deal on a large supply of the old-fashioned pads,
which she would hand out with two safety pins apiece for
us to pin them into our underwear. It was a source of
endless amusement for we would-be Valley Girls.
A couple of weeks ago I went on a trip with a couple of
friends of mine to a relative's house. This house had a
pool and the one friend was going to be on her period.
She had never used a tampon before, even at 18, because
she had had trouble putting it in when she was younger.
So we decided to teach her. My other friend took one
apart trying to dispel worries, attempted to show how
the cardboard applicator worked without really showing,
and demonstrated the soaking ability in the sink. Well,
several tries and she couldn't do it and my just in case
supply of four ran out. So we left her at the house and
went to the local pharmacy. After debating between
regular and slender tampons, we picked up some
chocolate. I can't imagine what the man at the register
thought with two girls purchasing a box of tampons and a
pack of snickers. Well, after she had chocolate, our
friend was successful!
I heard a story/joke about a little kid seeing blood
in the toilet when mom stood up. She explained
that "her vagina was sick." Hope this helps.
God bless you and yours, ***
My inquisitive 7-year-old son found my tampons and
asked, "Mum, what are these bullets for?"
Embarrassed, I told him, "It's meant for girl's use
so don't ask."
Being the persistent little boy that he is, he
continued, "But Mama, tell me which part of the body
it's for! Is it for the ear?"
I tried in vain to brush his questions aside with
"No, use below."
He quickly jumped to the conclusion: "I know, it's
to put inside your buttocks."
Thanks for the great site! I had so many good
laughs.
Cheers
So, where in !**&
would you find a pantypad on a door?
Here's a little anecdote.
I got my first period during a summer spent in
France. One morning, I fought with my sister and got
sent upstairs to the room. I was angry and crying and
noticed a stain on my panties. I woke up my mom next
door. She saw what it was and seeing me crying hugged
me and said there was nothing to be afraid of.
"It's not that!" I sobbed, "Daddy won't let me watch
Dragon Ball Z!"
Of course, I already knew everything about
menstruation. But my mother's face was priceless.
Here in UK we always believed that there are strings
on a tampon so that the crabs can practise bungee
jumping.
A Canadian writes,
I think I may be able clear up the problem of the
guy buying sporting goods when he wanted tampons.
[Scroll down for other versions.] I heard a joke a
very long time ago that sounds similar, except it
involved a lawn mower. In any event, it's a pretty
good joke. The joke goes like this:
A salesman was reprimanded for not anticipating a
customer's needs. The manager said, "If someone
comes in looking for a fishing pole, try to sell him
some tackle and a tackle box as well."
The salesman had this in mind when a very
embarrassed looking gentleman walked into the store.
The gentleman whispered, "Excuse me. I need some
tampons for my wife." The salesman showed him where
they were and then asked, "Come with me, sir. I'd
like to show you the most amazing lawn mower you've
ever seen." The gentleman, clearly just wanting
to get out of the store, asked gruffly, "Why the
hell do I want a lawn mower?" To which the salesman
cheerfully replied, "Since your weekend's screwed,
you may as well cut the grass."
Wow, I thought I was the only boy to have found an
outrageous use for a Tampax as a child, great to see
there are others out there. Here's mine:
In the 1970's, our church in Wisconsin sponsored
several families of Vietnamese refugees to live in our
town. My father was the pastor of the church, and I must
have been about 8 to 10 years old when they arrived. My
mother had invited them to a welcoming lunch with
several other of the ladies, and I must have been very
curious about this different culture and interesting
people, so I thought of the idea of pretending to be a
radio show host and interviewing them. I created my
"radio" from a child's piggy-bank shaped like a safe (it
had a dial on it I could use for "tuning") but then I
needed a microphone - where could I find one? Uh huh,
you got it: they were kept in the bathroom and even had
a cord already attached! My mom was mortified as I ran
excitedly down the stairs and thrust the microphone into
the face of our visitors and peppered them with
questions! [The writer contributed "Indians are
visiting" to the Iran
section of Words and expressions about
menstruation.]
I've just spent an hour or so reading the humor on the
website and the different way that boys played with
sanitary products.
Am I the only guy who, as a young boy, thought those
little cardboard tubes that mysteriously appeared in the
bathroom trash can made a great toy telescope?
The contributor writes,
I may have missed it but I don't see this one my
granny told me years ago. She was a funny, outspoken
lady.
Do you know why elephants don't use tampons?
Would you if you had to put them in with
your nose?
My older brother loved to get into Mom's things when
little; make-up, jewelry, and pads. Around age three
(before my birth) my father hadn't heard much noise from
my brother and went looking for him. He found him in the
bathroom peeling back pads and sticking them to the side
of the bathtub. When asked what he was doing he simply
replied, "I'm making the tub puffy." When my brother was
five he wanted to play A-Team (TV show with Mr. T, who
has a Mohawk and wears lots of gold necklaces). The
necklace part was simple: just put on everything in
Mom's jewelry box. Making himself the same skin color as
Mr. T was simple: use all Mom's black eye shadow all
over his face. And the last thing was how to get a
Mohawk. Well, he put a pad on the top of his head and
walked proudly into the living room. My aunts were over
for tea and he announced, "Look, Mom, I'm Mr. T." These
stories always come up during family get-togethers when
a laugh is needed.
We do have a picture of him playing Mr. T but I can't
do that to him on the Web - I just show it to all his
girlfriends ;)
NOTICE: "THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENSTRUATION JOKES,
PERIOD."
(Contribution from Joe - just joking, period)
A German woman sent these:
Why is the blonde jumping from the tenth floor? She
is testing the wings of the new Always ultra!
Why shouldn't blondes skydive when they are "having
their days"? They could pull the wrong string!
This is a true story, or at least the college friend
who told it to me swore it was!
When Jimmy was a little boy, he found his mom's
tampons and asked her what they were for. She said,
"They're for when you bleed."
"Oh, OK," replied little Jimmy.
Some time later, little Jimmy and his older brother
were playing in the front yard of the family's home.
Jimmy's brother was prone to nosebleeds, and got one.
Little Jimmy knew just what to do. . . .
. . . but imagine the look on his mother's face when
she discovered her two sons playing in the front yard,
one with a tampon shoved up his nostril, string
hanging down!
Thanks for your wonderful site!
This is a true story that still makes my face red
today. When I was 16 I was babysitting a
neighbor's three daughters. I was standing in the
hallway talking to their father before they left for
the evening when their oldest, who was 7, came running
around the corner holding up high in the air an
opened tampon in each hand. She yelled really
loud,"LOOK DADDY! SHE HAS THOSE THINGS YOU PUT IN YOUR
BUTT HOLE!" I died. I never babysat for them
again. BUT, I did remember to ALWAYS put my purse out
of reach after that.
Regarding your tampon joke [way] below.
I'll shorten it up a bit, but the manager was amazed
that the rookie (male) salesman sold a guy an SUV and
a boat and all the fishing gear, etc.
The salesman said it was easy. First he sold
him some fishing hooks, and asked him about his
fishing rod. He then told him he'd catch more
fish with a better rod. Then he said he might as
well get a new reel for that rod. How about a
boat. Now a new 500 HP Motor. Now you need a
trailer for the boat and finally an SUV to pull the
trailer.
The amazed manager said "That's
unbelievable! You sold all that stuff to a guy
who came in for fishing hooks?"
The salesman replied, "Actually he came in for
tampons. I told him since his weekend was shot, he
might as well go fishing!"
Now isn't that better?
Ed
The girls were having their sex education class. One
girl piped up will if we get periods and PMS, what do
boys get? Without missing a beat the teacher replied
they get UMS. Ugly mood swings or urgently missing
sex.
Speaking of Tampax, I have a true story you might want
to put on your humour page.
A couple of years ago, when I was working in Mexico,
my best friend decided he'd come down from New York for
a visit, and asked what I wanted as a present. Now, in
rural Mexico, you can get hold of Tampax, but they cost
an arm and a leg, so the two women I worked with and I
decided to ask for two boxes each of Tampax (the boxes
of 40), and he was fine about buying and transporting
them, but told us to be specific.
Well, I wrote back and said, "Tampax regular, the
boxes of 40, make sure they have cardboard applicators
and not plastic, because the cardboard is
biodegradable."
Armed with the instructions, off he went.
The next day, I get an email back. "I KNEW it wouldn't
be that easy!
"I spent an hour in the Tampax aisle, with all the
checkout women staring and laughing at me! What do you
want? Pearl tipped, ribbed, mini, original, glide? They
have round and original and smooth and smooth maxi and
it just goes on and on and I don't know which one to
get!"
We almost died laughing at work! None of us had been
in a first world country in so long, we didn't know that
Tampax now had all sorts of varieties, and the list just
seemed ludicrous - as did the image of this very
obviously gay boy running up and down a long aisle of
Tampax sweating as he tried to decide which ones to buy,
in front of a row of laughing women!
But he was our hero! The next day he braved the shop
again, and asked one of the checkout women which one she
used, and bought us six boxes on her recommendation, AND
carried them proudly past the puzzled Mexican security
guards to us!
Can't wait for his visit to South Korea!
Thank you for your amazing Web site. I laughed and
laughed and felt good after having the PMS blues today!
Here goes a Tamil (language spoken in the south of
India) "classic" joke.
In Tamil, the code for mom having periods is "not at
home" (poorly translated to "out-of-doors"). Anyway,
owing to the segregation criterion in some orthodox
families, it is common for mom to be in a seperate
room of her own and her visitors being told that she
is "not at home." But we kids thought dad was being
rude telling such a lie! So we upped our voices and
said, "But she is in the guest room"! [The writer
tells more about this custom on the 23 December news
page here at MUM.]
All the best,
****
"It is imperative to have a holistic view of life in
terms of social, spiritual and economic development and
to achieve the dream of ancient sages. Vasudhaiva
Kutumbakam" - HH Sri Sri Ravi Shanker
What a relief to see a site with humor and honesty
when it comes to menstruation!
Just a few quick stories:
My daughter was about 8 when I explained to her that
someday she would get her period and become a
woman! What a day to celebrate! Not too long
after that we were at an RV park, and I got my period
while using the public restroom. I explained that
we had to cut our walk short so I could go back and
get a pad. She skipped all the way back, burst
into the RV, and announced to her Daddy that we should
get a cake to celebrate, 'cause Mommy just became a
woman!
This is the same daughter that arranged a "Coming of
Age" Party for her late-blooming girlfriend - complete
with red cake and decorations and contests like "Who
can name the most slang names for your period."
****
Hi there! I absolutely love your site. It's just
fascinating and really entertaining as well! I know that
you've got pages and pages of menstruation jokes, but I
hope you have room for another. This is (obviously) a
true story:
For whatever reason, my aunt and her family refer to
getting one's period as "falling off the roof." [See
more such things here.]
Anyway, one day a few years ago, she and my oldest
(female) cousin were in the car, discussing an old
family friend who was way past menopausal age and
still "falling off the roof".
From the back seat, my youngest cousin, then six or
so and totally baffled, piped up, "Then why does she
keep climbing up there?!"
Thanks for a great site!
****
Thought you would like to hear about the time we were
crossing the border into the U.S. from Canada via
motorcycle. The border guard opted to search out
bike for contraband. He appeared to be delighted
when an OB tampon rolled out of the saddlebag. With
great gusto he pounced upon it exclaiming, "What's
this?" It only took him a few seconds to figure out
what "this" was, and he stopped his search immediately
and scurried away.
I saw this one episode of Funniest Home Videos where
there was a mom playing with a video camera. She went
into the hall and saw pad wrappers all over the floor.
So she calls out her son's name, "Ben? Where are you?"
She hears him in his bedroom and opens the door, and
there are unused pads stuck all over his bedroom wall,
window, etc. She asks him what he was doing, and he
said, "I wanted the airplane stickers in my room."
Dracula and his friend go to a pub for a drink.
Dracula's friend orders a pint of A RH+, Dracula just
wants a glass of hot water. "Hey, dear Dracula,
what's wrong with you? No blood today?" "Oh,
no," says Dracula, "I have a cold, so I prefer a hot
tea", and pulls a used Tampax out of his pocket.
I've been reading your humour section, its great, I
particularly like the, very blackly funny, joke
about the homesick abortion. We have a variation on it
here in Australia, a comment; "That one crawled out
of the abortion bucket," in reference to a particularly
obnoxious person, i.e. someone only a mother could love.
This comment is not said in polite circles, and should
only really be said in the company of very close
friends.
Also: Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Because it was stapled to the back of the chicken.
You know the old exit lines "I'm going to make like a
banana . . . and split," "I'm going to make like tom . .
. and cruise," "Make like a tree . . . and leaf," etc.,
etc.? A vulgar addition: "I'm going to make like a
tampon . . . and get out of this bloody hole."
This one's not necessarily menstrual, but close (and
it's a TRUE story!)
About 20 years ago I was working in a restaurant with
a chef named Martha. One night a bunch of us were out
for drinks after work and some guy walked up and
starting hitting on Martha. His pick-up line was, "So,
hey baby, how do you want your eggs in the
morning?" Without missing a beat, Martha replied,
"Unfertilized, thank you!"
[At the bottom of the e-mail sat this:]
"There are two ways of spreading light: To be the
candle or the mirror that reflects it."
-- Edith Wharton, 'Vesalius in Zante' (1902)
[Then the writer mailed this one:]
When I was 7 or 8 years old, I was intrigued by the
large box of Kotex my mother kept in the bathroom, but
somehow knew not to ask her about it. Instead I decided
to ask the babysitter, who refused to tell
me. So then I decided to figure it out for myself.
In school we were learning about root words, like how
"birdhouse" is comprised of "bird" + "house",
etc. So I started reading the back of the Kotex
box, where there was an offer for a pamphlet explaining
"the facts of life" titled, "Prepare Your Daughter for
Menstruation." I told the babysitter: "I figured it
out: 'menstruation' has the root word 'men' so it must
be 'Prepare Your Daughter for Men'!!!" The
babysitter about died laughing, and it wasn't until a
couple of years later that I discovered why!
One of your jokes reminded me of something that
happened to me.
When I was growing up I was the oldest of three
children. I had a younger sister and a younger
brother. One day my brother came out of the
bathroom carrying one of Mom's tampons asking her what
it was. He was about 6-7 years old and she told him
it was a cigar for women. Sometime later Mom caught
him in the garage with a tampon and a package of matches
trying to light it. After he was punished for
playing with fire "us girls" had a good laugh and
forever referred to tampons as cigars.
Fast track forward 25 or more years: my mother
received a sample package of tampons in the
mail. Since she had "gone through the change" when
she came to visit my husband and me, she said when she
got ready to leave, "Oh, I forgot, I have a box of
cigars for you in the car." I followed her out to the
car and she gave them to me. In the meantime one of my
husband's friends stopped by to visit. You have to
realize my husband is 16 years older than me and grew up
in a house of all males except his mother (and lady
stuff was never mentioned). So I came back into the
house and I had the small package of tampons in my
pocket and decided to stash them in the
bathroom. Well, before I could cross the kitchen my
husband (trying to be a tough macho kinda guy) said,
"Why the hell is your mom giving you cigars? You don't
smoke - give them to me."
I gladly obliged. I opened the package and pulled out
one of the tampons and tossed it to him (mind you, his
friend witnessed this all). He either wasn't paying
attention or his eyesight was going; he opened the
tampon and started to stick it in his
mouth. Suddenly he realized this was no cigar and
saw what it is. He threw it across the room and was
fuming! His friend and my teenage daughter and I
were laughing so hard we nearly peed our pants. He
was so mad but he knew he could not say a
thing. Later that evening he asked me when we were
alone why would my mother call them cigars. I told
him the story of my brother. His only reply was "You're
not right and neither is your mother."
The contributor of "Cut your finger"and "Mouse
mummies" in Words sent this
story
A personal story that I'll never forget happened when
I was 13, in the early 1960s.
Grades six through nine were in separate schools
called junior high schools. Most of the girls were just
starting to menstruate and were embarrassed. Our gym
teacher (physical education) was a nice lady named Miss
Fisher. She made sure there were Kotex machines in all
the girls' restrooms.
Knowing we were all mortally embarrassed about our new
status, she arranged a code with all the teachers. At
that time, you didn't just get up and leave class to go
to the restroom. The idea was that classes were only 45
minutes long and breaks between them were 10 minutes, so
just "hold it." (I can't believe we tolerated it but
that was before we began to question authority!) If you
just HAD to leave class (to visit the Kotex machine) we
were assured that if we told the teacher "I
have to go see Miss Fisher" that we'd be excused with no
questions asked and not refused permission to leave.
Naturally, this statement was made by meekly tiptoeing
up to the desk and whispering in the teacher's ear.
At mid-year, a teacher resigned and was replaced by a
young, good-looking male teacher in his early 20s. Yes,
you guessed it. Nobody told him about the code. When one
of the girls (thank goodness it wasn't me !) made this
whispered, urgent request, the teacher blurted out
loud, "Why do you have to go see Miss Fisher right
in the middle of math class??!!"
Several of the boys snickered (they certainly knew),
the poor girl blushed beet red and the rest of the girls
nearly fainted. "Oh, Sir, you had better let her go
!!!!" we chorused. He let her go, but begrudgingly!
This is a long story but worth reading!
I went to grade school in the very early 70s in a very
small community. This particular school had K-7 housed
in one school. We had one girls' restroom and one
boys' restroom for the entire school. The school
had been built in the early 1900s originally as a high
school and the restrooms doubled as the locker
rooms. So since they had built a brand-new shiny
high school the "little kids" went to the old high
school.
Someone (I am assuming male) had the brilliant idea of
removing the Kotex machine from the girls' restroom.
Well, most women would have the insight to
know that girls start menstruating anywhere from
about nine years old and up and of course this school
went to the seventh grade (12-13 years
old). Meanwhile, the Kotex machine was tossed aside
but it quickly became evident they needed to put it
back.
Well, the school being the disorganized mess that it
was the machine was kept in a back room off from the
music room. One day the janitor decided he would carry
it through the classroom and back up to the girls'
restroom. So the whole fourth-grade class saw it
being carried out. One of the boys asked the
janitor (Old John we called him) what the machine was.
John simply said, "It's a candy bar machine for the
girls."
You could see every boy in that room turn red with
anger. "How dare they do that!" Heck, we could only
have chocolate milk on Fridays and now the girls could
get candy bars anytime they wanted!
The music teacher was some ancient old man they had
dug up from some retirement home (well, it seemed like
it). He was clueless. He finished class and sent us
back to our regular teacher. The boys were still
fuming. A few of the girls knew it was a joke but quite
a few, including myself, thought we really did have a
candy bar machine!
So all week long the boys were plotting how to get
into the girls' restroom and get a candy bar. The
problem was that you had to walk right past the
principal's office; the door beside it was the girls'
restroom. Since it had been a locker room it was
huge with much of the original equipment removed and
with the high ceilings and concrete walls and floors.
Echoes were terrible in there.
I of course asked my mother the next day for a dime to
get a candy bar (she thought nothing of it since that
was the going rate for a candy bar at the time). I
quickly discovered they were not candy bars but the
"things" mother had in the bathroom hidden under the
sink. But the boys were still going to get in there
and get some themselves.
So we were back in music class and the teacher was not
very "with it." The boys started asking a few at a time
to go the restroom but they were sneaking into the
girls' restroom instead and purchasing a "candy
bar."
Well, they were not telling each other,
evidently. Because after about 10 boys went to the
restroom the principal heard them. He sent the
school secretary, who must have been at least 85 years
old at the time (no kidding), into the girls' restroom
to see what was going on. She walked in (I was in
there more to be nosy than anything but using the guise
of needing to "go") and here was a nine-year-old boy
standing in a pile of open Modess maxipads the boys had
been purchasing and opening them, discovering what they
were and throwing them down on the floor. She went
absolutely wild, screaming and going bonkers and
ordering people out of the rest room! I thought,
"Wow, this must be really bad!"
About a month later they started sex education classes
(it had never been done before). They did mention
menstruation to the girls but not to the boys. I am not
sure what they told the boys but I was utterly convinced
I was pregnant in the fifth grade because I had been
kissed by a boy. It was a really screwed-up time.
I was 11 years old when I started menstruating. I used
tampons for months until the flow was really
heavy. My mother suggested I use a pad, so I
did. A day or two later she asked how the pads were
working out. I said, "Pretty good, but they really
hurt when you rip them off." My mother, being the
understanding woman that she is, said, "You
idiot! You're suppose to stick them onto your
panties, not yourself!!" [There are other versions of
this on these pages.]
|
What do you call a sanitary pad?
Hammock for a lazy c---. [I think the Australian means cunt,
which is a vulgar term for woman and a woman's genitals - just
some help for people outside the native English-speaking world.]
Hello. I enjoy your site, as do many of my friends. I wanted to
share a funny story I heard a few years ago while working at the
department of highways as a summer college worker.
The only other woman on my crew was in her 40s and used to
drive a coal truck. One day one of the guys she worked with
stuck a dildo with a suction cup on the end to the back of her
truck and she drove around like that for several hours, not
knowing what passers-by were cackling at. When she figured it
out she was humiliated so she carefully plotted her revenge. A
few days later she made a batch of homemade pepperoni rolls (a
regional West Virginia food, but basically a bread roll with
pepperoni baked inside of it) Anyway, she used sticks of
pepperoni and rolled the dough around it she made a special
one, however, for the prankster. She got an unused tampon and
soaked it in soy sauce and red food coloring and baked it
inside, string and all. The next day she took the rolls to work
with her and she made sure the guy got one of the real ones
before taking the tampon-filled roll. The whole crew was sitting
around during lunch when he bit into that roll he sunk his
teeth into it and when he pulled his hand away the tampon stayed
in his mouth but the bread pulled away leaving a used-looking
tampon and string dangling from his mouth. He vomited and none
of the guys ever picked on her again.
A woman e-mails:
My two-year-old daughter was terribly quiet one afternoon. I
went to check on her and she had pulled out two unopened
packages of maxi pads, opened them, pulled off the protective
covering from the adhesive strip and had them all over the walls
and vanity in the bathroom. "'Tickers mommy, BIG 'tickers!" she
cried with a huge grin on her face!
Next:
My three-year-old neighbor, Stephanie, went to the grocery
store with her daddy to fetch mommy some tampons. Mind you, we
live in a town of only a few hundred people. As they approached
the only cash register in the store, Stephanie clearly and
loudly stated, "My mommy puts these in her 'gina!"
[She added] You got to be careful if you don't know
where you are going, because you might not get there. - Yogi
Berra
This joke is really true. I was really embarrassed. I was 9 at
the time.
I had just learned about menstruation. My mom also showed me
where she keeps her pantiliners just in case it happens. I
decided to practice with one of them (pantiliners). So, I put
one on. At that time, I wanted to pee. So I thought that you
could pee in it. So I peed. Then it started to leak on my
leg and in my head, I was saying, "Oh-no!" All of a
sudden my mom burst in to the bathroom and started laughing when
she realized what I did. Now, I understand what pantiliners are
for.
A woman writes,
A male friend once asked me if girls get turned on when
inserting tampons.
My response: ew!!
I love your Website, by the way. I was wondering how I should
cite it for a research paper I'm writing.
A man e-mails,
I heard this joke from a woman once.
One day, a man walks into a bar and sees a sexy woman who
interests him. He goes over to her and says, "Hey baby, I love
you! Let's start fooling around." The woman says "I'm sorry, I
can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle." So the man then says, "Well,
don't worry, I have a Honda - I'll follow you."
This story is a variation of one repeated many times below:
Three boys are sitting on the stoop on a summer's afternoon.
One of their fathers, exasperated that the kids are just sitting
around, gives them five bucks and tells them to go amuse
themselves. As they walk down Main Street they debate what they
should do with the money. Should they buy a deck of cards? A
football? Play in the arcade? "Wait a sec!" says one of the boys
as he runs into the drug store. "Wait here!" A few minutes later
he comes out with a package of tampons. "You idiot!" his friends
shout. "We were going to have some fun. What are we going to do
with those?"
"Look what it says right here on the box," the boy replies:
"'You can go horseback riding, you can go swimming . . . .'"
This also a variation of stories below; I think almost every
funny story about periods must be on these pages:
How do you now that the barwoman doesn't like you?
The string in the bloody mary.
From an Australian man:
All blokes in Australia know what sanitary napkins are: man
hole covers.
Dear Mr Finley,
Thank you for your very interesting Web site. I was reading
the humour section and thought of a couple of titbits you
might be interested in.
Apparently, a few years ago, one of the sanitary towel firms
started advertising in Poland. Unfortunately they used a
straight translation of their English slogan, and ended up
exhorting the Poles to "Fly to work on your sanitary towel!"
Also, further to all the stories of little boys unknowingly
playing with tampons, when I was eleven I had to make a mobile
for a school project. My mum suggested I use the cardboard tubes
from applicator tampons for the structure, and they worked very
well!
Best wishes,
****
Cambridge, U.K.
"This one is pretty bad, mostly embarrassing.
"My boyfriend and I were camping during the summer, and of
course it was during my period. Before I knew it I was out of
tampons so we had to go buy some at a store. The tampon I was
using was the last one so I was praying that it would last until
we got there. It was really hot out, so I was wearing a skirt to
top things off.
"Anyhow, with my luck I felt something on our way to the
store.The tampon was giving, and I knew I had to do something.
Luckily there were leftover clean napkins in the car from when we
went drive-through the day before. I quickly grabbed one, lifted
and slipped the napkin under in a bunch so it would stay there.
However, it wasn't very secure.
"Soon enough we approached a restaurant and I stopped there to
use the bathroom. It was so bad - and uncomfortable.
"I knew the napkins were not placed very well, and I admit it
was my fault for not taking enough precautions. I began to walk up
the stairs towards the restaurant entrance while my boyfriend
waited in the car.
"It was a long walkway and it just so happened that it was break
time for the workers. A bunch of young adolescent boys were
sitting along the path having cigarettes. I was a little nervous
about walking by since i was wearing a relatively short skirt and
they were all sitting low.
"I walked past them. Then to my horror I felt the napking fall.
They didn't notice at first. It fell right in the middle of where
they were all sitting. I quickly turned around and saw a
nightmare. A yellow napkin on the ground with blood on it. It was
obvious what it was used for.
"Initially I wasn't quite sure what to do, but then I thought it
would be better if I quickly grabbed it. I was soo scared, these
guys just looked at it and seemed confused. In a flash I picked up
the napkin and stormed inside into the bathroom. They all saw me
pick it up. To my luck they had tampon dispensers. I was so
mortified. I was so embarassed. That was the single most horrible
experience of my life. I mean, afterwards I kept wondering about
it and I was scared to leave the bathroom."
From the United Kingdom:
A young woman goes shopping one day, down
her local high street.
The last shop she visits is the butcher,
where she asks for a packet of beef fat.
"Certainly, madam." replies the butcher,
"I'll just have to go to the fridge to get it."
The woman sets down her bags and waits
for the butcher to return. While he is away, a friend of
the woman walks in and they begin chatting. The butcher
returns, the woman pays and puts the lard in one of the
shopping bags. She then continues talking to her friend.
They finish talking and leave the shop.
After they have left, the butcher notices that the woman
has left one of her bags behind. Inside is the packet of
lard and a box of tampons. The butcher grabs the bag,
rushes outside and calls down the street after the woman
-
"Excuse me miss - you've forgotten your
Tampax and your dripping!" [Dripping means beef fat,
lard.]
"My brother told me this one:
Q: What's the difference between Courtney
Love and Wayne Gretsky?
A: Wayne Gretsky showers after three
periods."
"Your jokes page mentions a guy who came
across the tampon cardboard tubes and thought they
looked similar to machine guns. I was just laughing with
some coworkers about some of the things we first thought
when we came across them. I thought the little pink
"bags" that I found in the bathroom made great little
Barbie suitcases. (Whatever kind my mother used packaged
the wrappers separately. I don't think I've seen any
like that since.) Another coworker said her brother
found their mom's tampons and tied them to his army men
and pretended they were parachutes. You should start a
page of humorous (true) anecdotes. It's so rare that we
women recall a menses story and laugh. I'm
sure it would be much appreciated!"
"Anything is possible these days."
I remember one episode of South Park [a funny
cartoon series on American television] where Cartman
had told his friends that he has reached puberty
before his friends and claimed that he had gotten his
period. Technically it turned out that a small stomach
virus was going around making kids bleed a little out
of their butts, which could be easily cured with
simple antibiotics. It was so funny to see Cartman
going to the pharmacy to buy maxipads, and Kenny had
gotten tampons to put up his butt, eventually he just
got stopped up and died.
Anyway, I wouldn't be very surprised if someday a
contest was promoted or offered by companies that
produced those pads. Upon a pad getting used, a
message would be revealed, and if the message said you
win, a woman could receive a life time supply of pads
and tampons from that company. It's probably too far
fetched and insane, but anything is possible these
days.
[Well, what a coincidence! While not exactly what
the e-mailer mentions, I made a series of ads for a
fake company called Lernpaks in the late 1980s, before
I - Harry Finley - had even thought about creating the
Museum of Menstruation. As the art director of a
magazine in Germany, I became interested in the
menstrual products industry through its advertising.
This is the first ad in a series of four (if I
remember right). Click to enlarge.]
Click to enlarge.
|
Someone e-mails,
"You have on your Web site:
How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand and your mattress is
missing!
"That's the first part of a three-part joke that's v-e-r-y
politically incorrect."
Part 2:
What do elephants use when they can't find a mattress? A
pygmy.
Part 3:
How did Albert Schweitzer die? He was mistaken for a pygmy.
[Schweitzer was a famous doctor who lived and practiced in
Africa.]
Why is it called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken!
A guy is trying to hook up with a woman in a bar. After quite a
few drinks and all the attempts, she admits that she can not do
anything because she has her period. At that point, the guy is so
drunk and desperate that he doesn't care and takes her home
anyway.
In the morning he wakes up alone in bed and tries to recall the
events of the last night. All he can remember that he brought a
woman into his house and now she is gone. He looks around to find
his bed covered with blood. I KILLED HER!!! The man looks at his
hands covered with blood THAT'S RIGHT - I KILLED HER!!!
Devastated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to look at
himself in the mirror: AND ATE HER TOO!!!!!!!
An e-mailer writes, "Here's a couple dumb little jokes I've
heard in Russian. :-)"
Guy, chatting online: Want to have virtual sex with me?
Girl: I'm sorry, I really can't.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: I have my virtual period.
A girl goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think there's
something wrong me."
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"I saw on TV that when you use Tampax the fluid is blue, but
mine is red!"
The e-mailer writes, "Okay, it may not be downright hilarious,
but if you are a woman you will sympathize."
I used to work at a factory where you had to be at least 18
years of age to work there. Most of the women there were over
the age of 25 and nearly all of them were mothers. (This little
fact will be important as you read on.) I usually have my own
set of "supplies" in my locker. These would include cough drops,
lip balm, Tylenol, change for the pay phone and vending
machines, and of course, tampons.
Well, one day I didn't have any since I forgot to restore my
stash so I decided to get one from the vending unit in our
restroom. To my horror these little items were smaller than the
earplugs we wore because of the noise inside the shop! And to
think about it, it would be nice to have a string in case you
happened to lose an earplug! [Sounds like o.b.]
I showed my husband this site (I've never laughed so hard) and
he told me that when he was a small boy he found several empty
cardboard tampon applicators in the bathroom. He though they
looked just like little machine guns, so he took them outside and
nailed them to a tree for him and his friends to play with!
****
Nebraska
A site visitor sent this, a takeoff on "Intel Inside." Yes,
he sent it to Tampax:
For many years I worked as a writer and performer for a New
York City-based producer of shows for major corporations. One
year we had Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, as a client. A
group of us were sitting around working on ideas for their
upcoming internal (no pun intended) sales meeting.
Our funniest, and fastest minded member of our group suddenly
said, "We open with ten guys in black face, riding bikes and
playing banjos." We all fell silent and looked at him with large
question marks appearing over our heads. After a perfectly timed
silence he said, "We introduce them as "The Menstrual Cyclists!"
[The word play is on "minstrel," of course, which in the
U.S.A. was usually a white man with a blackened face,
imitating an African-American, who entertained in a group of
men similarly made up. It was most popular during the 19th
century, one group being the Original Christy Minstrels, upon
which a modern group based its name: the New Christy
Minstrels. See incredible sheet music of their songs in the
Johns Hopkins University library - for example, this mind-bending
example, which features a picture of a minstrel.]
I used to describe my first wife by saying, "She doesn't have
periods. She has exclamation points!"
As I have mentioned, I've worked with a live animation process
for many years, doing shows for major corporations. Once, during
a show for Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kotex, I did something
I had resolved never to do - I stole a line from another
performer. I had heard this line years ago at a show at
Chicago's [famous] Second City Improv
troupe, and it was just so perfect to use here, that I couldn't
resist.
There was no way to change it, to make it mine. I just stole
it virtually word for word. I hereby make some small amends, and
give them full credit for the concept and the words in the
following line.
We were using a little old lady character, named Millie, to
represent today's modern feminine hygiene consumer. In her
conversation she was having with one of the Kimberly-Clark vice
presidents, she says,
I can still remember when my mother first had that
woman-to-woman talk with me. She took me on her knee, and
said, "Millie, very soon a beautiful, wondrous, marvelous
thing is going to happen to your body. It's called THE CURSE!
At another point she was reminiscing about the early days of
feminine hygiene products.
Oh, sure, I remember what it was like . . . with all the
belts, and snaps and buckles and suspenders. It was like being
in traction five days a month!
 |
A recipient of this picture, who later forwarded it
to me, wrote, "Many, many, MANY years ago, when I sent
my husband to the store for a Kotex belt, he came back
with a leather belt that matched nothing in my
closet."
|
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a wounded
mama bear seeing her little one attacked?
Well, the bear is more docile.
The contributor writes, "I heard this one from my cousin":
A vampire dies and goes to see God, who asks, "I am going to
reincarnate you as an animal. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a bat. One day, it's spotted by a
farmer, who takes out his gun and shoots it. God says, "Back so
soon? What do you want to be this time?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
The vampire is reborn as a mosquito and flies around preying
on people. One day, one of its victims smacks it and it dies.
Annoyed, God says, "You again! You can't be an animal this time,
it's too much trouble. I'm going to make you an inanimate
object. What do you want to be?"
The vampire answers, "Something that has wings, sucks blood."
God turns him into Kotex with wings.
The same contributor e-mails, "This is a story from my
mother's high school days":
Physics teacher: . . . so if the length of the pendulum string
is X, and the acceleration due to gravity is g, how long is a
period?
Boy: Twenty-eight days.
The Dutch contributor writes, "I know it is stupid and I
don't think it is funny, but I heard some boys in my old school
make this joke one day and I remembered it - I don't know why.
But I hope it will be useful for you!"
Hoe krijg je een hek in één dag rood? Laat je moeder erop
zitten.
Pretty good joke, huh? OK, let's go to the next one. Oh,
here's her translation:
How do you get a fence red in one day? Let your mother sit on
it.
Young lady went to the counter with a box of Tampax and a pair
of dark glasses.
Sales assistant asked, "Are you expecting sunny periods?"
A woman sent this, writing "This is not quite about the
menstrual cycle, but still funny."
Genie: You may have three wishes!
Man: I would like to have the most beautiful wife ever, I want
to be rich beyond belief, and I want to be hung like my horse
over there.
Genie: You're wish is my command. Go to sleep and when you
wake, you're wishes will have come true.
The man slept and when he awoke, he was happy to see a large
mansion surrounding him and a beautiful woman lying in the bed.
Being a man, he of course began undressing. After removing his
boxers, he screamed in agony because he had forgotten that he
was riding the mare that day.
The contributor writes, "A variation on another joke on the
page; these are standard in Canada":
When do hockey players have sex?
Between periods.
Why do hockey players go to the dressing room between periods?
They need to change their pads.
**** from Colorado writes, "Here's an old one from the 70s."
A black man finds a magic lamp and rubs it. Out pops a genie,
and tells the black man he can have three wishes.
He thinks for a while and finally says, "I want to be white,
uptight, and out-of-sight."
Poof, he's a tampon!
[The joke appears in other forms in the stories way below.]
"Now here's one from at least the early 60s my dad told me
growing up."
A young couple was driving through the country and the man
asked his girlfriend if they could stop for a little afternoon
romance.
The girlfriend said, "We should wait until were married.
Besides, I'm on my period and I don't want to kiss a man chewing
a plug of tobacco."
Finally the man talked her into it, and they stopped beside
the road and wandered into the grassy field. He agreed to take
his plug of tobacco out and placed it on a nearby stump. She
took off her pad and also placed it on the stump for
safe-keeping.
Later, driving down the country road, the young women said, "I
don't think we should have done that. My crotch has been burning
real bad ever since."
The man said, "I would have to agree. I have been spitting
blood the last ten miles."
As a little girl I was very creative and liked to make things
out of whatever I could find around the house. One day when I
was six or seven I was rummaging around the bathroom and I came
across something that seemed to make the perfect little purse. I
had found one of my mother's maxi pads, opened it up, discarded
the pad, attached a string to the plastic tri-fold wrapper, and
slung it over my shoulder. I walked around the house with it for
a while before my mother noticed me and burst into fits of
laughter. I couldn't figure out what was so funny and why she
wouldn't let me carry my little purse to school!
A German contributor sent this:
Here's one for those who did pay attention to their Latin
lessons:
Why is "PMS" mostly used abbreviated?
Well,
p as in"prae"
p as in"post"
p as in "peri"
(for those who did not pay attention in school: prae =
before, post = after, peri = around, while)
My sister's daughter walked in on her when she was inserting a
tampon and she ran out of the room saying, "Daddy, Daddy, mum
has a mouse hanging out of her."
Poor thing thought the string was a tail!
If a tampon is worn on the inside, why are they called
tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?
Two female elephants are lying by the pool. One says to the
other, "Do you want to come for a swim?"
"No, I can't, I've got my period."
"Oh, that's ok, why don't you use a sheep like I do?"
This is not a joke, but something to think about:
My sister and I have different ways of talking to our young
children about the "facts of life." I try to answer all
questions as honestly as possible, and my sister completely
avoids such questions.
One day while I was babysitting her, my four year old niece
came out of the bathroom and, somewhat concerned, told me
"There's blood in the toilet." I quickly realized I had
forgotten to flush, and replied "Oh...that's mine."
"What is it?" my niece asked, eyes wide.
Bracing myself for a discussion I was sure my sister was not
going to appreciate, I took a deep breath, said "It's menstrual
blood," and prepared myself for a barrage of questions.
My niece said "Oh," and walked off.
What is another name for a used tampon?
Vampire's tea bag
A woman contributes:
What lurks in the dark, has wings and sucks blood?
It's the new "Always ultra maxi pad."
A man writes,
My friend's nine-year-old daughter took a jumbo Kotex to
school for show-and-tell and explained to the class that it was
a large napkin.
[It IS actually, at least in America, where it's a "sanitary
napkin." Funny expression, as if table napkins had nothing to do
with sanitation.]
What do female meteorologists (weather forecasters) have?
Stormy periods!
The contributor writes, "true story":
I work in the Women's Clinic of a large public health
department. One day during our regular staff meeting I
complained that we had run out of "menstrual cards" - index
cards printed with small calendars that women use to keep track
of their menses. A co-worker, thinking she was being funny,
remarked that "The Menstrual Cards" would be a great name for a
Heavy Metal band.
I'd been waiting all my life for someone to hand me a straight
line like that one, and dead-panned "Nope. They only play rag
time."
A male writes,
A friend of mine had an idea for a Halloween costume. He
thought he would wear a blue turtleneck and blue tights, paint
his hands and face blue, and attach numerous tampons to himself.
When asked what he was supposed to be, he would reply, "Why,
Picasso's blue period, of course."
A sister-in-law [of this joke contributor] was explaining
menstruation to her pre-menstrual little girl.
"All women do it," she said. "There's nothing wrong with it,
nothing to be frightened of, . . ."
Suddenly her daughter burst into tears. Her mother asked her
what was wrong.
The little girl sobbed: "I don't know how to do it and I'll
never learn."
Herve Villachaize [the tiny actor] was a very smart investor
and a compassionate man as regards people of his . . . stature.
With many of his million$ he not only built very nice
residential conclaves specifically for his fellow dwarf/midget
actors less fortunate than he, but he also allowed them to live,
for life, in these little to-scale places at no cost to them.
They
came
to
be
known
as ...
"Stay-free mini-pads."
"Sani Knapp," in Sweden, writes,
A late friend of mine once stated that a sanitary napkin is
the next best thing to the greatest thing in the world.
Woman (to companion): Do you know anything about antiques?
Companion: No, why?
Woman: Because I have this tampon, and I don't know what
period it's from!
Two jokes similar to ones buried deeply on these ages:
1.) Why did the blonde jump off the bridge? She thought her
maxi-Pad had wings!!
2.) A blonde went to the bathroom and when she came back, she
couldn't find her pencil. All she could find was her tampon
stuck behind her ear!
Well, here's another one!
Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? She thought she could
fly because her pantyliners had wings.
A man sends something to think about:
Where would you be if you were not conceived? At the top of a
tampon.
A woman e-mails,"I have two fairly disgusting jokes. You get
to be the lucky recipient because I'm too squeamish, or
something, to ever tell these out loud."
1. This first one is not strictly about menstruation but is
still probably closely related.
Q. What's red and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?
A. A homesick abortion.
I think when I first heard this joke I was in late grade
school and barely knew what an abortion even was.
2. This one has the extra bonus of possibly being religiously
offensive on top of its general ickiness.
Things were going along OK in the Garden of Eden until Eve
got her first period. Adam freaked - she was *bleeding,* for
heaven's sake - but Eve told him not to worry, she had
expected it, and off she went to deal with it.
Adam was still pretty upset, so he had a talk about it with
God.
"God," he says anxiously, "Eve is bleeding! I'm really
worried there's something wrong!" So God explains everything
to Adam, how this is perfectly normal, a sign of Eve's ability
to bear children, and so on.
So Adam finally calms down, and then God looks around and
says, "Hey, Adam, where is Eve anyway?" Adam says, "Oh, I
think she went down to wash in the stream."
"The stream?" says God. "DAMN, I just finished getting rid
of that fishy smell!"
A woman from Seattle contributed the following joke and
wrote, "Dear Mr. Finley: I read about your site in 'The V Book:
A Doctor's Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health,' by Elizabeth
G. Stewart, M.D. (Bantam, 2002). I love both the book and your
site! Keep up the good work!"
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've
come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several
items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the
checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody
at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice
boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" [There
are variations of this in the humor below.]
One thong leads to a wedgie:
One day I decided to wear a really skimpy skirt to impress my
guy - and of course I had to wear a thong. It was the last day
of my period, so I decided to use one of those new thong panty
liners [see what I think is the original one, from
Sweden]. My best friend snuck up behind me and gave me a
gigantic wedgie [um, it's when someone jams a hand or finger
between the buttocks, forcing clothing to remain there]. The
thong broke and my panty liner fell on the floor in front of
everyone, including my guy! Later that day he came up to and
told me he just wanted to be "friends."
The e-mailer calles this story "The importance of the silver
box."
This happened a couple of years ago when I was a temp at a
large corporation.
Ah, yes, I remember it well. The year was 2000. The day was
well, I don't recall what day it was, but it was at least the
second day of my menstrual cycle, and I had some feminine
hygiene products to refresh. On this particular day at that
particular moment, I took a break from my cube to do just that.
Trying to make the best use of my time, I hurried as quickly as
I could down the hall to the nearest restroom and slipped into
the stall closest to the wall. I had brought with me a new Maxi
(with wings!) and was all ready to make the switch when I
noticed something missing from the stall's wall. Where was the
silver box? You know what I'm talking about, ladies. The silver
box in which to deposit the older feminine hygiene products. All
stalls in women's restrooms have one. But it wasn't there! And
without the silver box's flat surface, I had no place to rest
the unused pad while I prepared for, um, installation. Except
for the top of the round toilet paper dispenser, that is.
With a little determination and some balancing skills, I
managed to prop the pad on top of the wheel-shaped dispenser
where it would wait until I was ready for it. Just one problem,
though: it didn't stay. Yes, the still-wrapped pad slipped onto
the floor and glided oh-so-delicately into the stall next to
mine just as someone else entered that stall and sat down. You
can imagine my horror. Rather than invade my neighbor's privacy
by reaching under the wall, however, I decided I'd wait to
retrieve my prize until after she left. Never in my life have I
waited so long for someone else to answer nature's call! After
what seemed like hours, she finally finished her business,
flushed and kicked my little tool back into my space without a
word.
"Oh, thank you!" I piped cheerfully, trying to conceal my
embarrassment. One would expect a "You're welcome" or even a "No
problem, that happens to me all the time" in return, but, no,
she remained silent and wordlessly exited the restroom.
"Jeeze!" I thought, as I completed my transaction. "How rude
was that?"
It wasn't until I finished my business and left the stall that
I realized why my friendly neighbor had not been so friendly
after all. And why there wasn't a silver box in my stall. And
why there were urinals along the wall in place of full-length
mirrors.
Yes. I was in the men's room. This would also explain why the
person who had previously occupied the stall next to mine had
such big feet.
Secret lives of the well-known,
continued: I took the following from Michael
Kimmelman's review in The New York Review of Books (7 November
2002) of The Letters of Arturo Toscanini,
compiled, edited, and translated from the Italian by Harvey
Sachs (Knopf). In the last century Toscanini was one of the most
famous conductors of classical music and had many sexual
affairs, even in old age:
"Toscanini pesters [Ada] Mainardi ['the wife of a prominent
Italian cellist . . . . {and} thirty years younger than
Toscanini'] about sending clippings of her pubic hair ('tiny
flowers') and a handkerchief (his euphemism is 'holy shroud')
stained with her menstrual blood. 'And the little red
handkerchief?' he writes. 'Since I can't quench my thirst
directly at the delightful fount, I'm hoping for the
surrogate. Don't forget.'"
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom
facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight
attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the
attendants' ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of
the buttons.
Next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and
ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to
a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the
best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately
a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!!"
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body
temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it
comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the
bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft
disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom
lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR
button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing
off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He
explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in
the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great
time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
A woman writes:
"In the early 70's my (twin) sister and I used to crack
each other up with, 'Hang Loose, Mom Goose, your rags are
dripping tomato juice.'"
The contributor writes, "I cannot be sure of the original
source, but I think I heard it from Redd Foxx. I know that Gary
Mule Deer used it his stand-up routine, too." There are other
versions of the joke way down in this humor section.
Three little boys were walking down the street when they came
upon a five-dollar bill. They could not think of the way to
split the money evenly, so they decided to share it by buying
something they could all enjoy.
The first boy said, "Let's go to the movies."
The second one said, "The movies cost two dollars a piece,
we're still short one dollar. We should buy some candy instead."
The third one said, "If we spend the money on candy, it'll rot
our teeth and our mothers will get angry. Why don't we stop at
the drug store and buy a box of tampons?"
The first boy said, "Tampons are for GIRLS!"
The second boy said, "Why should we buy tampons?"
The third boy replied, "Because I saw on television that with
tampons you can go swimming and horseback riding and . . . ."
The Onion,
"America's finest news source," which convinced a Chinese news
agency that the U.S. Congress was seeking a new building,
announced on 24 July 2002 that the Health and Human Services
Department of the U.S. federal government will test the nation
on its knowledge of menstruation, just as it examined the entire
nation for scoliosis recently. As it wrote:
The next mandatory HHS initiative is slated for October.
Titled "It's Perfectly Natural," the program will address the
topic of menstruation.
"We'll be giving out free Kotex sanitary napkins and tampons,
and showing the 1973 film Donna, You're Not Alone," Krasnow
said. "And if you men out there think you're exempt from
attending, think again. We'll be holding a concurrent, men-only
talk about what to expect from puberty. And let's refrain from
the giggling, shall we?"
Secret lives of the well-known: In
The New Yorker magazine for 20 May 2002, Martin Amis reviewed
two new books about Queen Elizabeth II and wrote the following
(p. 110):
"And that November [1992] it was revealed that [Prince]
Charles had been recorded having a . . . chat with Camilla
Parker Bowles. Long intrigued by the transmigration of souls,
Charles saw himself reborn as 'God forbid, a Tampax,' so that he
could 'just live inside your trousers.' . . . You could listen
to Charles saying, 'I want to feel my way along you, all over
you and up and down you and in and out . . . particularly in and
out.' Then you could listen to Diana saying, 'Bloody hell, after
all I've done for this fucking family.'"
A male sent this:
Have you heard that new womens radio station yet?
WPMS. They play the blues for three weeks then they raga for a
week.
Jokes from Portugal:
Here's a joke. Doesn't work in English, though:
- Is the word "telephone" masculine or feminine?
- It's masculine.
- What, with all those periods?
In Portuguese, "telephone" is indeed masculine but "period" is
also used to describe telephone impulses.
Another one that does work in English:
A girl has her first period while she's in the school
playground. Since she has no idea what it is, she shows it to
a boy. He looks at it, then looks her in they eyes and says
"Well, it's pretty obvious, innit? Someone cut your willy."
And an old one I didn't find in your page:
- Why do tampons have strings?
- So cooties can go bungee-jumping!
A married woman is having an affair. One day while she and her
lover are in her bedroom, she hears her husband's car pulling up
in the driveway.
Panicking, she shoves her boyfriend into the spare bathroom
and bolts the door. Unfortunately for the boyfriend, the husband
doesn't leave again for a couple of days. When he does, the
woman opens the bathroom door and asks her lover if he's all
right.
He says, "The light bulb burned out, so i couldn't see, but
I'm okay."
She says, "You must be awfully hungry."
He says, "I'm fine. I found some bread and jam in the rubbish
bin."
When my husband was a young boy, he and his
brothers one day discovered their mother's tampons. After
inspecting theses newly discovered devices, they promptly
decided to play "WAR!" with them. My husband says they
commando-crawled around on their bellies, ripped the paper
from the tubes, "lit" the fuses and lobbed them at each other
like sticks of dynamite! When his mom arrived home to find her
sons rolling around their front yard littered with tampons,
the crap really hit the fan. Because of this wonderful story,
I call tampons "dynamite," and the code for my period around
here is, "I'm packin' dynamite!"
This is one of many vampire jokes on this page:
What do they do with used tampons ?
They make chewing gum for vampires !
The Australian from Perth writes, "Hi, I
stumbled across the site and have a joke to contribute; you
could say one to put down to globalisation, as most viewers
would know the characters!"
Q. How do you know when Barbie is on her periods?
A. One of your Tic-Tacs is missing.
The e-mailer writes,"No names, okay, otherwise she'll kill me
- :)) True story, happened last year:
See, my dog (as all other dogs) loves picking stuff out of the
rubbish to play with. Sometime last year, my cousin and his
girlfriend were over at my place just hanging out and once
again, I caught the dog with a folded piece of paper. So I
called her over, usual reprimand and took the piece of paper
from her (the dog). Squeezing it, I thought it was curiously
spongy, so I walked into the lounge with it in my hand going,
"Hmmm, what's this the dog has been chewing on?" (It honestly
didn't occur to me!) Everyone else were equally puzzled and I
was about to open the package when my cousin's girlfriend
screamed and ripped it out of my hands, totally red-faced!! I've
never been able to look at her with a straight face ever again.
Just sign me off as "A guy, of course."
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next
day. The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of
the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white mark on
the blackboard, then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting
about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my
sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mum fainted, and
the man next door shot himself."
The contributor writes,"I remember reading this joke in a
'gross jokes' book in high school - I got a severe case of the
giggles during class!"
What should you do if your Kotex catches fire?
Throw it down and tampon it!
What's red and sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.
[Sanitary towel means sanitary napkin in several countries,
including the United Kingdom.]
From a male:
Hi,
Have you ever considered a museum display with items labeled
"From the Renaissance Period."
What's the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears (they were a
rock group in the 1960s/70s)?
A woman standing at a Kotex machine with a bent dime.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later,
he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on
the counter.
"Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my
wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came
home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure
that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!!
[The story sounds vaguely familiar and it may already be on
these pages, but I err on the side of caution.]
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,
certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of
him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and
out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Canada
badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He
has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to
trust a Revenue Canada employee."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and
it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie's right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful
food and drink."
**POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that
no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a
string attached!
If your pads have wings, do you qualify for frequent flyer
miles?
A woman writes,
I wish to pass on a story that my family periodically
embarrasses my sister with.
My sister was all of four, or five, when my father came home
one day to find her sliding quite skillfully across the marble
floor of the hall in her bare feet. When questioned, she showed
him her new "slippers" that she had discovered under the sink in
my parent's bathroom. She had peeled the backing off the
adhesive on the Kotex pads and stuck them to her feet!
These are variations of jokes found in the depths of these
pages; I think we've almost exhausted menstrual humor:
Why don't hunters trust women?
Because they don't trust anything that bleeds for four days
and doesn't die.
Three tampons are walking down the street - which one can you
talk to?
None of them - they're all stuck up cunts!
[In America, "stuck-up" can mean "feeling too self-important
to talk to perceived inferiors." "Cunt" is slang for "vagina,"
but also vulgar language for "woman" or "girl."]
And I thought Kotex was short for "cotton-like
texture." Well, it is, but . . .
The E-mailer's story:
One day I was thumbing through a Polish dictionary
and a word jumped out at me. Pussy! And then I read
the Polish word and it is Kotek (so I guess the plural
is kotex). Anyway, attached below is a poster I did
and I would like you to put it on your Web site (if
you could). I contacted Kimberly-Clark (right below)
and they ignored me! I even sent them a hard copy:
Subject: Kotex
I found, in a Polish dictionary, a definition of the
word "kotex," and guess what? It means "PUSSY"! I find
this insulting and degrading to women.
["Pussy" is an American vulgar term for the female
genitals.]
[Go to the right-hand column.]
|
Then I got this email from "Evelyn."
Dear [name withheld],
As mentioned in our previous e-mail, your comments
were forwarded to the appropriate area.
You may be interested to know that KOTEK and KOCIAK
mean "kitten," which is a baby cat. KOTEK is different
from the word "KOTEX®" (which was named for cotton
texture).
We appreciate the opportunity to respond to your
concerns.
Evelyn
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Baby cat and kitten, my eye. I was in a bank one day
showing the poster to someone and I live in a Russian
neighborhood. A Russian man walked by and saw the
poster and almost fell down from laughing. It's a
dirty joke in Polish, Russian, German and Austrian!!!!
|
From Canada:
My niece was only ten when she got her first period. My sister
had previously spent time with her reviewing the facts of life.
When her time came, my sister gave her a box of pads to use.
The next day my niece asked my sister to buy new pads. When
questioned as to why, my niece replied they "hurt too much."
My sister had my niece show her how she was using the pads. It
appears my niece was pulling off the strip of paper and placing
the sticky side up against her vagina as apposed to her
underwear. Everytime she went to the bathroom, she pulled the
pad off her pubic hair. OUch!!
For the brave mother, a jumping-off point to explain the
birds and the bees
My sister told me of the story of when she was changing her
tampon and her young son (about two years old) saw her doing it.
Later on she found her son trying to find a place to put a
tampon for his own use.
A male sent this one:
The guy was so dumb that he thought a sanitary belt was a shot
of whiskey in a clean glass.
"True story," writes the contributor:
At a small college faculty meeting the president turned to the
chairman of the physical education department.
"Anything new in you department, Bill?"
"Yes, we've arranged for a representative of Tampax
Corporation to give talks to our health education classes
periodically."
(The poor guy later asked why everyone laughed.)
The contributor writes, "Love the Web site!"
Here's a true story which I would like to contribute to this
section. I was at a gymnastics practice on April 7 when this
happened.
We were taking a short break.
One girl offered, "Anybody want to play with a tampon? It's
super-absorbent."
Her eleven-year-old friend said yes. She pushed it through the
tube, while the girl sitting next to her told her how it was
used.
The girl who had the tampon took it over to the sink.
"Let's see how super-absorbent it really is!"
She wetted it under the sink, thinking it would make a nifty
swab.
She held onto the string, and scoffed,"Ah, this thing's
stupid!" She swung it around on the string, letting go. It hit
the wall above her head, and it stayed there until April 28.
The girl who initiated it with the offer gave her a pad.
"Anybody have their period? Anybody have a bleeding cut?" she
asked, longing to get some menstrual fluid on it.
One girl had hers that day. The eleven year-old wanted to get
something on there. She had cherry juice, so she poured it on
the pad and stuck it to the wall. Nobody ever noticed, but we
took the pad down. We never got in trouble, but if we'd left the
pad up, we would have gotten in trouble. On April 28, someone
pulled it off the wall. It landed in a basket of dumb bells.
Someone pulled it out of there and threw it away. Part of it is
still on the wall, becoming really fuzzy. We still find this
very funny, and at every practice, it is something that we
discuss and laugh about, thinking about the how we were so close
to getting in trouble that it wasn't even funny.
A woman writes, "This is a joke I made up in 1998, the year
that women's ice hockey finally came into its own at the Olympic
Games."
Q - There was no fighting allowed during the women's hockey
game, but there was still plenty of blood on the ice at the end.
Why was that?
A - Because there were three periods in the game!
I must confess that I was inspired to do this joke as a
result of one I heard during my adolescent days (1960s or
early 1970s):
Q - Why is the schoolhouse red?
A - You would be, too, if you had seven periods a day!
"Periods" for times allocated to school classes or other
activities, such as lunch, is a word used in the U.S.A. I
don't know if it's used elsewhere. [At least three other
countries use it: Germany, Portugal and Spain. See the "words and expressions" page.)
A woman who is a lead member of a women's health team at at
large American health organization sent this one, a variation of
one somewhere in the jungle of these joke pages:
How do you know that an elephant is on her period?
Your mattress is missing and there's a dime on your dresser.
A woman heard this in sixth grade, about 1985:
Why don't midgets wear tampons?
They keep tripping on the strings.
A writer in London sent this from Gershon Legman's "The
Rationale of the Dirty Joke: Series One":
The scene is a hospital. A man is dying. The relatives are all
creeping around the bed trying to get him to sign the will, but
he is in a coma. They tiptoe out, leaving the young night-nurse
in charge, and telling her to give him anything he wants but
just to make sure he is alive to sign the will in the morning.
She sits down self-consciously with her science-fiction
magazine and a glass of coffee, and prepares for a long night.
About three in the morning the man stirs, moans and sits up.
"Nurse," he says, "nurse! I'm dying!"
"Now, it's all right, sir. Just lie back and be quiet.
Everything is going to be all right."
"No," he says, "you can't fool me. I'm dying. I know it."
"Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable,
sir?" says the nurse.
He stares at her, and she comes into focus before his bleary
eyes: young and pretty and plump.
"Yes," he breathes, "there is something you can do for me.
I've always said I'd go down on a woman before I died, and this
is my last chance. What about it?"
The nurse is embarrassed.
"I wish you hadn't asked me that," she says; "I just happened
to be having my periods."
"What the hell do I care? I'll be dead by morning!"
We draw the veil here for a few hours.
Sunrise. The relatives come creeping back with the will, and
peer into dying man's bed to see if he is in shape to sign it.
Nobody in the bed. They search high and low, but can't find him,
and rush to the phone to call the morgue. Suddenly they hear a
noise in the bathroom. They fling open the door, and there is
the man standing there at the sink in his pyjama pants, shaving,
and whistling "Britons Never Never Will Be Slaves" (or "The
Proud Fort of Kraznahorka").
"Aren't you dying?" cry the relatives.
"Dying?! One more transfusion like that, and I'll live
forever!"
(New York, 1943, from a Hungarian.)
The London contributor continues,
"Legman, a Freudian, adds, 'This is my
favorite joke. Analyze away!'
"I think the reference to science fiction
may be relevant, as Legman didn't like it. Some people I
have told this joke to think it is brilliant, though others
are a bit less enthusiastic; at any rate, it can be a good
way of topping a series of "sick" jokes, though I don't
really see that there's anything really disgusting about it.
. . .
"If you happen upon either book
[Legman also wrote 'No Laughing Matter'], snap them up as
they're wonderfully funny - the first one anyway - not so much
for the jokes, as for the commentary: Legman is strange,
slipping in bits about the French national anthem being a
ripped-off Mozart piano concerto (they are similar) and bits of
autobiography, etc., as they occur to him: i.e., he kissed the
best man at his wedding because he was looking at his wife in a
certain way. He didn't like hippies, gays, or science fiction;
but you don't have to agree with everything anyone says to enjoy
them.
"The commentary on the joke I sent has a lot about alchemy:
the mystical connection between semen and menstrual blood. I
once tried to write a novel about this, did 100,000 words and
then realised it was rubbish. Maybe a woman should write it,
though I doubt would be any better."
A woman-and-man team sent this:
What did the mother vampire say to her children when she was
on the rag?
Soup's On!!!!!!!!
A man remembers one from his college days, decades ago:
Question, asked to a guy:
What do you do when you come home at
night and the front door is painted red?
Answer:
Go in the back door.
Humor alert!! A physician e-mailed that there is a cartoon in
a recent issue of the American magazine Maxim about sex at
different times of the menstrual cycle! (April 2001)
A man e-mails,
I was having some good belly laughs about menstrual jokes when
I ran across this on your humor page:
A male site visitor suggests this variation of a riddle
located far down this page (or the next one - or the next):
Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?
A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels
was a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]
Yes, the New Christy Minstrels was a singing group all right.
One of their big hits was - you're gonna love this - "Yellow
River"!
A woman from the University of Hamburg, Germany, sent this
one:
Why does it take four premenstrual women to change a light
bulb?
'CAUSE IT DOES, RIGHT?
This is a long-time favourite expression of mine:
I'm a really tough broad, I've been
rolling my own tampons for years.
[This formed part of the end of her e-mail: If you're psychic, think "Honk"!]
From 22-year-old Alfiya in Kyrgyzstan,
Central Asia, who read this in a magazine:
After 10 days of delay even menstruation is a holiday.
A woman from a distinguished university in New York e-mails,
Hi Harry,
What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
"You are the wind beneath my wings . . . ."
Silly!
An Australian e-mailed this one:
I first heard this joke in a school cafeteria and shared by a
bunch of ten-year-olds. The school
context is important.
What's the definition of a period?
A waste of fucking time.
[Note to non-native English speakers: "Fucking," vulgar
language for sexual intercourse, can also strengthen
declarations - as above, in one sense - but not, please, in polite company.
"Period" is the length of an-hour-or-so section of instruction
during the day in a school below university level as well as
meaning the menstrual period. Sorry to be pedantic.]
The woman contributor writes, "You have variations of the
elephant/sheep tampon joke up on your Web site [see several in
the hundreds of jokes below]; I have a third part:
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings
What's the moral of this joke?
Don't wear red sweaters!
A woman wrote, "Saw a couple of bumperstickers recently":
IT'S CALLED PMS BECAUSE MAD COW DISEASE WAS ALREADY TAKEN
WHO LIT THE FUSE ON YOUR TAMPON?!?
A gentleman who has contributed before sent this one:
A woman went over to her girlfriend's house and said, "Sally,
the drugstore has a new druggist and he can tell what your
prescription is just by looking at you!"
So Sally walked over to the drugstore. The druggist looked at
her and said, "You want suppositories, don't you?"
"No," said Sally. "I want tampons!"
"How far off was I?" said the druggist.
While listening to WGMS radio
in Washington, which broadcasts classical music, and updating
this very page, I opened this e-mail:
My sister, who resides in Washington, D.C., informed me that
there is a popular new radio station there. She told me the call
letters are WPMS, and the music
format is as follows: for three weeks
they play nothing but blues, but the fourth week they play
ragtime.
Hormonal in Toronto writes, "This one has to be old - it's
Egyptian."
Cleopatra to Marc Antony:
"Not tonight - I have my Pyramid"
A male site visitor suggests this variation of a riddle
located far down this page (or the next one - or the next):
Q: What's bloody, monthly and sings?
A: The New Christy Menstruals. [The New Christy Minstrels was
a singing group in America during the 1970s, I believe.]
The contributor writes, "This one's a fairly common joke; I
saw a variation of it in the humor section [below]":
How can you tell when a blonde secretary has her period?
She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pen.
A woman, I believe, writes,"I heard this in a bar and I
thought it was amusing":
Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A beautiful thing ruined by a period
An American male sent this joke, which is similar but not
identical to several others deep in this humor section (pay
careful attention to the second-to-last word in the last line):
Q: What did elephants use to use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why did the elephants stop using sheep for tampons?
A: They heard about the toxic flock syndrome.
A woman from Slovenia sends these two "blonde jokes":
Why does a blond never change her sanitary pad?
Because it says "ALWAYS" on the box. [Always is the most
popular brand of menstrual pad in the U.S.A.]
What does the blonde do when she menstruates?
Searches for the guy who shot her.
Male reactions to menstruation start early, in New Zealand,
anyway:
When I had only been menstruating for a little while, I was
invited into town to see a movie. I put an applicator tampon
into my bag because I wasn't sure when my period was due.
I arrived home later very grateful not to have needed it and
with several lollies left over from the movies. Being as
generous as I am I told my younger brother that he could have
one lolly but he'd have to get it himself, then check with me.
To my mother's and my own amusement my bro pulled out the
applicator tampon and said, "I'll have this one, it's the
biggest!"
I had to explain his mistake and to top it off he dropped it
with a look of horror and ran screaming from the room!
Embarrassment with her little brother: yet another true story
I broke my leg and had to use crutches, which was really hard
and annoying; to make matters worse, I started my period. I went
to the kitchen to throw away my pad (we keep a garbage can in
the kitchen) and I dropped it on the floor and I couldn't bend
over to get it, but "thankfully" my younger brother picked it up
for me, saying"What is this?"
Premenstrual syndrome in Canada?
Here in Ontario, Canada, PMS means Putting
up with Men's Shit!
No center-ring action in this poem a man sent:
The man calls out,
"The tent poll is up and the canvas is spread, to hell with
breakfast, come
back to bed."
The wife calls back,
"Take the tent poll down, put the canvas away, the monkey's
got a hemorrhage,
there will be no circus today."
I'll add MENotoxin (a presumed poison in menstrual blood) to
the list:
MENtal breakdown
MENace
MENarche
MENdacious
MENingitis
MENtal retardation
MEN!!!
A woman send "a couple of true tales and a really tasteless
joke":
I had two younger brothers who crafted a wonderful fort out of
all those perfect white tubes (tampon applicators) they found in
the bathroom trash can. My mother almost had a stroke; thank
heavens she always insisted we rinse the blood off them before
we trashed them!
I had a cat who unwrapped unused tampons and carried them
around like dead mice as often as she could get her paws on one.
Imagine my delight the day I pulled one out from between the
cushions of the couch while talking to my husband's best friend.
And one day, I was fresh out of the shower and drying my hair
with my foot propped up on the commode, and (another) my cat
jumped up and tried to yank out the string with his teeth! Glad
for good muscle control at that moment. I kept the bathroom door
shut after that!
A joke:
Q. Why did the woman wear a tampon when she went skydiving?
A. To keep the wind from from whistlin' right on through!
The mystery of current American politics and menstruation, as
thought up by a male visitor:
Recently a young lady streaked [ran naked through] a small
southern town during a rain storm while having her period.
As she ran by a group of people, she heard one man say, "Is
that a boy or a girl?"
"Oh, that was a boy," said another man and a Republican.
"How could you tell?" said the first man.
"The Bush campaign is in the red!"
This two-liner comes from Australia,
as do many e-mails to MUM; explain that!
Why did the tampons have bells on them?
For use during the festive period.
Warning! As your MUM I forbid
you to read this if you, um, you - aw, read it; you're on this
site anyway. But it does strongly
criticize men, which I know will upset many of you!!
I saw the poem on your humor page
that starts out the same as this one. The version that my friend
sent to me [below] is considerably more
crude, but I still found it funny.
Every day I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john [toilet]
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat like toys
You love them much more than we ever will
We'd much rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
Don't go "yeeuuukkkk"! Scroll down for more vampire jokes.
Hi,
Keep up the good work!! I only hope this doesn't make too many
of you out there go "yeeuuukkkk"!
There was a young vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were ever so stable,
On every full Moon,
She'd pick up a spoon,
and drink herself under the table.
I think I saw this in a University Rag Mag back in 1976/77.
It's nice to hear two guys bragging about their wives, right?
Two men from Iowa were sitting at a bar, and the first guy
says, "My wife is a CPA [certified public accountant] and she's
good with money."
The second guys says, "That's nothing! My wife runs her own
business. I only wish she were good with money, though.
"How so?" says the first man.
"Well, at that certain time of the month the wife's baby
factory is always in the red!"
But some people don't believe PMS exists.
Q. Why is it called PMS?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
This one came via two intermediary e-mailers from funny@netfunny.com:
OK, I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and
a hubby. Toilet seat is never down, etc.
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using female
products - correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were
disappearing. (Insert Twilight Zone theme here.)
OK. A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon
and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just
bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a
new box and forget about it.
The next month (T.O.M.) [Time of Month, i.e., menstrual
period] I go back to the cupboard, and VOILA! there is only ONE
tampon left again.
What's going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy
another box, and forget about it.
WELL, I decided to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and
LO and BEHOLD, at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers,
applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with
them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and
can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my
mind.
I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for
MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest
sons to "COME HERE!!!!"
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring
into the bottom of their closet.
I said, "What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!"
My 12-year-old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and
is silent.
My 10-year-old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom,
we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff, and THOSE make
really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!"
This just in:
I am not sure if I am telling this right because I heard it
from a friend. [!]
A little girl asked her teacher if she could go to the
bathroom. A little boy went up to the teacher and said that it
wasn't fair.
The teacher asked him why.
He told her because the girls get a candy dispenser in their
bathroom!
I'm glad these stories don't require warnings! Well, maybe
the third one does.
Mr. Finley,
Here's a funny little incident that still provokes chuckles at
family get-togethers.
When I was 12 and my younger brother was about eight, we
were riding in the car with my mother. For some reason - maybe
looking for candy or a pen - he started going through my mom's
purse, which was on the seat next to him. He pulled out a
tampon, still in its wrapper.
"What's this?" he asked, baffled.
My mom and I exchanged glances. I began to giggle, but
finally she came up with an answer.
"It's a lady's cigar," she said.
Since my dad was a big cigar smoker and my brother had often
seen him carrying those tube-shaped cigar containers, this
answer made perfect sense to him. Eventually, mom did get
around to explaining the facts of life to him, but I thought
it was a pretty clever stall!
Feel free to use this story on your (fabulous!) Web site. But
please don't use my name - to save my bro from embarrassment!
You site cracked me up. Anyhow, I noticed some of the humor
referenced Polacks [an offensive term for people from Poland]
and Aggies. In Texas, students from Texas A & M, called
Aggies, are the butt of many a stupid joke. The same jokes are
told in the northern states, except as Polack jokes.
Here is my story:
My wife to be was working at McDonalds, and during her shift
they ran out of napkins. The quick-thinking manager sent one
of the male employees to the grocery store to get enough
napkins to hold them over until a delivery arrived later.
Unfortunately, the manager sent one of the foreign college
students to the store. Not being too familiar with the nuances
of the English language, the employee returned with several
boxes of sanitary napkins. The sad thing was that the foreign
employee had no idea why everyone was laughing.
A friend sent this from the Internet:
To all the girls...
IT'S A GIRL THANG!
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook,
pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just 'cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch!
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay. (Not Usually)
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's the best.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT MY FACE, NOT AT MY CHEST
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling .
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
Arthur sent this one for advanced
visitors:
John goes to his friend's house on Saturday. He knocks on the
door and his friend Hans opens.
Hans asks, "Hi, John, is your girlfriend having her period?"
John - quickly rubbing his face all over with his right hand -
replies, "Can you see it??"
A frequent correspondent, a woman, sent this one:
Harry,
I had to send you this one right away:
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and
can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He
notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns
out to be a bra.
He thinks, "Bloody hell, what happened last night??"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in
the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened
last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the
mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth
and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be
a tea bag!"
I think this one exists in the depths of this page, but a
reader tells it again in a different form (I think):
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you again in 28 days
This variation of a previous joke is from a male site visitor:
One for the "bad taste" section (pun not intended) of your
humor page:
Why do tampons have strings?
For people who floss after eating
A woman sent this new menstruation-and-religion item. Warning! This is sacrilegious!
I'm pretty new at this Web surfing, but I love your museum and
found a news article on a site that would fit in perfectly on
your site. It is here.
Go to the Worst of the Web link and then the article about the woman who claims to have an image of Jesus
on a light day sanitary pad. There is also a picture.
Keep up the great work!
These from a frequent contributor:
Ten ways to know if you have PMS:
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting
practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he IS male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
The sender of this one works in a construction office with
"lots of standard-issue testosteroids":
What do you call subsidized housing for dwarfs?
Stay-Free Mini Pads
A Norwegian girl sent this, the site's second
Norwegian joke; here's the first:
In Norwegian:
Alle barna hoppet i fallskjerm,
unntatt Inger, hun brukte Libresse med vinger.
Translated:
All the children jumped with a
parachute, except for Inger - she used Libresse with wings.
[Libresse is a Scandinavian pad from the SCA Mølnlycke
company. See more about the
company on this site; here's the SCA Web site.]
A site visitor supplies the "wood-eye"
story I had forgotten but mentioned somewhere below on this
page. The American humorist Mark Twain told a similar story:
There once was a girl who went to a school dance but knew
that no one would ask her to dance. This is because she had
enormous buck [protruding] teeth. So she stood against the
wall along with all the other plain girls.
Well, lo and behold, this guy with a wooden eye gets up the
courage to ask her to dance.
He shyly approaches her and says, "Would you like to dance?"
She is so overjoyed she says, "Would I?! Would I?!"
At which the man angrily replies,"Buck teeth! Buck teeth!"
Premenstrual syndrome - PMS - strikes!
I've visited your site several times and want to thank you for
the great info you provide. I found a funny site about a guy
who's wife has pms 365 days a year and breathes fire on him when
she's angry.
I'm going to get into trouble for this one, but I've been in
trouble before . . . .
How do you get a woman to pick cotton?
Light the string on fire.
I hope the Web police don't find this joke-submitter!
I really don't know why I'm even surfing this site!! I'm one
of the most uptight, conservative people there is, but for some
reason, I'm reminded of a period joke.
It seems two hippies wanted to get married, and somehow
figured that the best way to do this was to hire a minister.
Well, during the pre-wedding interviews, the poor minister
couldn't figure out which one was the woman for their long
hair.
Hard as he tried, he just couldn't decide which of the
couple was which. So he decided to just come right out and
ask.
Very embarrassed, he asked the couple, "Which one of you
shave their legs (a very common practice in North America)?"
To which they both replied that they didn't.
Next the minister asked simply, "Which of you has the
menstrual cycle?" One of the hippies turned to the other,
"That must be you, I drive a Honda."
This joke is a change of sorts, but . . . .
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her
gynecologist.
"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for
years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange. . . ."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked
down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the
bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply
going through the change!"
Tampax will never live down its ancient (but accurate, I
think) ad campaign of what it can do for women. Here's another
variation of the joke:
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the
other four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the
shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for
my Mom."
Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year-old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for
your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my four-year-old
brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right
here??"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you
wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little
brother can't do either!"
What's the best sanitary napkin for girls who go dancing?
Discotex.
When you order a Bloody Mary, how can you tell if the waitress
is mad at you?
She leaves the string in.
A woman with a liberal mother sent this one; it's for
advanced visitors only; unadvanced
visitors please skip this one and proceed immediately to the
next two:
Hi, Harry,
I just remembered this one from a dirty joke book I had
when I was little (my mom used to let me buy these for some
reason).
Why are women like clams?
Because you can't eat them during the red tide!
A friend of MUM sent the next two; I think the second one
exists in a variation somewhere in the depths of these joke
pages:
THE HOWL
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, Dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat!
All right? Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work
and just do my own thing without your forcing food down my
throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing
things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to
herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
FEELING FRESH
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each
allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their
time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another
and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that
he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and
said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and
any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to
himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug?
What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought
these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with
those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to
the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . .
. ."
Let men beware! The female sender of this story wrote that
it's "nice and evil":
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM
The gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be
occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny,
taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his
face.
"Sir," she said, "the ladies' restroom is unoccupied. You may
use it if you promise NOT to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he
agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat
there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by
the letters "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button
labeled "ATR."
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit
there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW"
button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a
nice feeling came over him.
The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about,
gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do
when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed
the "PP" button.
A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant
scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The
ladies' room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of
tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did,
he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I
remember, I was in the ladies' restroom on a flight to
Atlanta!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her
smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is the
Automatic Tampon Remover.
"Your penis is under your pillow."
Hey, I'm tolerant, but I don't know if I like this joke; I
sure don't like the nurse!
Possibly a flower child, maybe only in spirit, sent this one:
An old joke from the Sixties concerned a beatnik or hippie who
had painted his one-room flat totally white with one blue stripe
around the walls.
"Hey," his friends asked. "What's all this?"
"Yo," he replied. "It's my sanitary pad." (Pad was a Sixties
hippie term for apartment.)
This jokester shares with a former president
of The Society for Menstrual Cycle Research a liking for this
joke:
This has been a favourite joke of mine for over 40 years:
Did you hear about the cross-eyed seamstress? She couldn't
mend straight.
Here's a variation of an earlier joke:
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender walks up and says, "What can I get you guys?"
Two vampires say, "We'll take a Bloody Mary." The third
vampire says, "I will have a cup of hot water." The bartender
looks at him weirdly and says O.K.
The next night they come back to the same bar and order the
same things, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The
bartender still thinks that strange but doesn't say anything.
The next night they come in to the same bar. They order the
same thing, two Bloody Marys and one cup of hot water. The
bartender can't hold his curiosity anymore and asks the third
vampire, "Why do you have a cup of hot water when your buddies
have Bloody Marys"?
Then vampire opens his cape and pulls out a bloody tampon and
says, "I like tea instead!"
St. Theresa, although probably not the one of Catholic Church
fame, has something
for you to look at; be sure to read the fine print at the
bottom of the page.
PMS - premenstrual syndrome - strikes again:
I enjoyed your joke site immensely.
How about this one:
I think that the U.S. should allow women in combat ONLY when
they have PMS. That way they would be able kill men, women,
children, or anything else without any qualms.
I think there may be an elephant joke buried somewhere on
these pages, but not this good one:
Great site! I just went through part one of the humor section,
and of course this joke is probably in part two or three,
but here goes:
How do you know when an elephant has
its period?
There's a nickel on your nightstand
and your mattress is missing! [A nickel is five
cents, a small amount of money in America.]
Have put the site in favorites; will try [!] to get my teenage
stepdaughter and all her friends to have a look at it.
Here's another version of the joke below this one from a
woman who writes,
The version I learned was:
What's black and white and red all
over?
A pregnant nun in the confessional.
Not menstrual related, but I still say it's funnier.
A woman nearing menopause remembered this riddle from her
childhood:
What's black and white and red all over?
A menstruating nun falling down the
stairs.
An Ames, Iowa, woman sent this euphemism:
My grandmother, her two young adopted sons and my favorite
aunt were visiting from out of town a few weeks ago and when my
aunt announced, leaving the bathroom, that "Aunt Flo(w)" (an old
family term for menstruation) had come to visit, the youngest
sat up from his coloring book and said, "I sure would like to
meet her someday."
The never-die - well, read it:
Here's a joke that's been passed down through my circle of
friends since the sixth grade [about 11-12 years old]:
One day Marlon Mosquito was flying through the air, when he
smelled a wonderful cook-out. He went there and as the pests
that mosquitoes are, he was killed.
So when he got to Heaven he asked God for another chance. He
wanted to be something that could fly and sucked blood, so God
made him a bat. Once again he was killed.
He went to God and asked for another chance. God told him he
had already had another chance, plus Heaven has a
second-time-no-return policy. But the bat/mosquito begged for
one more chance.
God gave in. Marlon asked to be something that had wings,
and sucked blood, so God made him a maxi pad!!!!!
A bus ride provided the birth place for this Q&A:
Hi to whomever this may concern!
I think you may have probably heard something like this but
I'm going to share my joke anyway:
Question: What's red and white, has wings but does not fly?
Answer: A used pad
I made that joke up on a bus ride and my friends thought it
was great and told me I should submit it to the Humor section of
the Museum of Menstruation!!! Hope you enjoy!!! [I did!]
Sincerely,
A- , from Massachusetts
The writer says her youngest son will kill her, but . . .
When my youngest son was around eight years old, he, his then
11-year-old brother and I were going over to their aunt's house.
As I walked into the garage the 11-year-old tattled that his
little brother was hiding something in his back pocket. I
demanded that he show me what it was. I'm sure I turned red,
even though I was laughing, when he produced from his pocket a
pair of karate nunchucks (I doubt I spelled that right): two
tampons tied string to string!
A poet sent the following e-mail and poem:
I wrote this for an on-line poetry forum called The Writer's
Block. Someone suggested I submit it to your Web site.
You can't imagine how much I smiled and laughed when I visited
the site.
Here's my contribution, I hope you like it [I do!]
"of the gifts"
By Nadia Di Paola , © 1999 nadia di paola
of the gifts i could have chosen
in the raffle-bowl of life,
i drew the shiny, crimson token
of righteous feminine strife.
i do not spit on my delicate prize,
never would dishonor my place,
i hold its glory in greatest size
to my tender breast and bitter face.
but a complaint or two, i disclose,
for the ignorant of our plight:
bleeding away in false repose
puts the sour where once was bright.
naught else would i ask in return
than a night or two of dear sleep,
fearless of the gushing nocturne
upon the great canvas of my sheet.
with each occasional midnight trip
in homage to the linen disgrace,
i curse my faucet taken to drip
when i least can take its trace.
whosoever gifted me this red dream
let him laugh his benevolent best,
i only desire from him to glean
why those four days are such a mess?
* * *
Copyright © 1999 by nadia di paola, All rights reserved
A Romantic lady sends this, from Tennyson's "Lady of
Shallot":
... The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.
You must read two good books called The Curse that appeared
in the past ten or so years.
A very funny woman I know sent this one about the
often-slandered Texas A & M University students, Aggies
(short for "agricultural," referring to people sometimes not
thought to be sophisticated; "A & M" stands for
"Agricultural and Mechanical"). And radio stations in the United
States have identifying groups of letters starting with either K
or W.
According to the Aggie Sex Quiz, Kotex is a radio station in
Dallas
A cat and a tampon, from a Leicester, England, reader:
We used to have a beautiful little black cat called Moglit
(sadly killed by a car when she was quite young). As well as
being adorable, she was also unusually smart for a cat.
One day in spring when we had the back door open, we sat in
the living room when Moglit came in, very excited, and started
meowing and running in and out of the room.
When we followed her, we found a dead baby blackbird neatly
laid out on the back doorstep - she'd obviously decided that we
wouldn't appreciate having it brought into the house. So we
stroked her and told her what a clever girl she was and Moglit
went off back into the garden, very pleased with herself.
A few days later we had the same performance. But when we
followed her out to the back door, we found not a hapless bit of
wildlife, but an equally neatly arranged used tampon. "That" one
she didn't get praised for!
[MUM director here. That reminds me of a story. A month ago
my smaller black cat, Zeena,
knocked a washable pad from a museum
wall display (now a bit decrepit since the museum closed)
and it fell on the floor. Crouched down, tense, she stared at
it, six feet away. She decided to make her move.Very slowly,
eyes like saucers, she crept toward the pad, ears flattened.
When within arm's reach, she extended her paw, almost
reluctantly, body shaking. The microsecond she touched it, she
leaped and spun in the air, flipping the pad three feet up with
her claw, and fled to under a chair. Menstruation can have that
effect.]
These just in:
PMS in the Bible
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they
could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible
and that the entirety of human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS [premenstrual
syndrome]."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there
somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the
woman aside and said PMS is in the Bible. He showed her a
passage that read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
[You enjoyed that, didn't you!?
For penance, read a discussion of religion
and menstruation.]
Ode To A Mammogram
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!
This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
Send in your
jokes, cartoons, etc., so others can enjoy them!
© 2002-2006 Harry Finley.
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